depression...

Comes quickly, makes no sense. I just felt so weighed down all day. Nearly cried. Do you ever feel like that? There's tears in your eyes for no reason.

My whole life I have dragged people down. Anyone involved with me falls. That's why I stopped talking to people, that's why I have only one real relationship with a friend at the moment (Shauna), that's why Josh tells me everything about him but I tell him nothing about me, that's why I'm scared to get in a relationship with this boy who I like, because he's already pretty fragile, and again I'd have to be the strong one. I wish there was someone that could be there forever that was strong enough to protect me.

I've been talking a lot to Matt lately. He's somewhat explained some things and I may be able to forgive him for some of it. But I trusted him so much... I trusted him so much we I laid in the car for two hours with my head in his lap telling him everything while he held me. And now I hear it was all unravelling? I went to that camp in California that told me to open up, so I opened up to him, and now there is only regret.

I don't think I can do that to another boy. I don't think I can take that from another boy. I talked to Charlie today, the boy I like. I have to wait until I see Josh this weekend to do anything, but now is the time to decide whether I can handle getting involved in another relationship. I'm still recovering from the last. Someone is a part of your life for nine months and then suddenly turns out to be selfish, or something, and naive, and incapable of being the strength you needed them for, and it affects you.

Will anyone ever be able to handle me that is near my own age? Or rather handle me period? Why do I do this to people? I don't mean to be needy but I am...

I learned again today how hard it is to look into the eyes of someone you know you've disappointed when they don't know it. I hope they don't find out. I'm sick of being the failure.

The eating disorder is coming back. I've had a lot of trouble lately.