Tuesday, December 27, 2005

I feel hot and cold and wrong and sick.
I have all day, even as I skiied down the frozen hills today with my cousin wrecking every ten seconds on his snowboard.
I felt like crying or screaming or throwing up or all three.

I found out this morning that the boy I love and will always love with all my heart sexually abused his cousins and his brother, the most recent time being only a few months ago.

What do I say to that? I told him that I understood. The line between abuser and abused is thin. I can understand the mentality. I can forgive him for that, whether he forgives himself or not. I cannot blame him.

But still... I keep imagining him doing to his brother what my brother did to me, and it makes my stomach turn. Only partially because it makes me sick that he hurt his brother like that, screwed him up for life. The other part is that I am scared and hurting for him, because I love him, and it hurts to know that he was so messed up as to do that.

I don't know what I feel. This won't get between us, I hope, but I really need to talk to someone about it and there is nobody to talk to...
Posted by at

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I don't know what to say to that ... wow.

I would just urge you to be very careful ... a few months is not long! Does he feel remorseful for what he did? Is he getting help?

I know you love him, but this is serious, serious stuff.

12/28/2005 5:37 PM
Lindsay said...

he feels bad, and he is getting help, and he believes he will never do it again... but sometimes some things are hard to resist (i should know).

i don't want our relationship to change, but i need to work through this personally as well as with him. it's hard to hear after what's happened to me.

it seems weird and unfair that i finally really like someone and he's done that.

do you think it's possible for us to still have a relationship?

12/28/2005 5:54 PM
Tmproff said...

Before I continued with the relationship (which I'm sure you REALLY really want to continue), I'd have to ask myself : "This is a pretty serious condition....Is there more to this?"

I believe that you should love/forgive someone no matter what they do. If he is really trying to work through this (and you see the fruits of his labor), I think there should still be a chance....BUT, I would take a break from the relationship to show him that this is very VERY important to you. I wouldn't call him, I wouldn't see him. I'd set a period of time where you dont communicate.

12/29/2005 8:33 AM
Anonymous said...

I am the worst person to give boyfriend advice, but I've got to be honest: My first reaction is that a relationship between the two of you might not be healthy. I realize that is probably painful to hear.

I think it is very good that he's been so honest with you. And you are in a unique place to empathize with him. But I just wonder, would you ever be able to totally and completely trust him? Totally relax with him? What if he did it again? That's a very very likely possibility.

And I know this is down the road a ways, but what if you two had kids? Could you trust him then?

I realize there is a fine line between the abuser and the abused, and if he was abused then he can't change that of course. But that he perpetuated it, and so very recently ... that bothers me very much.

I remember a conversation I had a few years back, back in Idaho Falls in fact! I was on a mission trip, and while staying with a pastor's family in Wyoming I had a scary incident with the pastor in his home. I've written about it before, it's where he lost his temper and threw some keys at me. That terrified me and damaged me because my dad's the same kind of scary person.

Anyhoo, I was talking about it with the mission team leader later (sitting in the IF Wal-Mart parking lot), and he was saying, yes, he's heard that this pastor has a problem with anger. He grew up in a family like that. So did his wife, in fact.

Then the mission team leader said he thinks somebody from a damaged family like that shouldn't marry somebody else from a damaged family.

First off, I don't know where he'd draw the boundaries for "damaged." And second, I don't know if I totally agree with this. I mean, what if two people from "damaged" families were in love and really clicked? Then they'd be held apart because of things they weren't responsible for (the actions of their parents/family members).

But personally -- I know that since I grew up in a freaky household, that I now realize is not healthy and pretty screwed up, I need to be with somebody from a saner background. Because, bottom line, I did not develop good family instincts. I don't know how to interact with a family "normally." And I don't want to pair my screwed up instincts with another person's screwed up instincts.

All this rambling to say ... at the very least, I would take a break, as Troy suggests.

Please be careful. You are such an amazing person and you've been through too much already ... you deserve the very best. (isn't that the line from a commercial? :)

12/29/2005 3:33 PM
Lindsay said...

first off, thank you for the compliment, that was nice to hear... (same to you of course).

this may or may not make a difference, but i found out that his brother (although two-three years younger than him) and cousins actually did consent. it's still incest i suppose but not abuse by definition i don't think.

you are right though. i think i need to think about it a bit. i come from a screwed up family and the last thing i want is to perpetuate that screwed-up-ness (not a word i know) onto my kids.

the trust thing is i think going to be important, as although i trust that he thinks he won't do it again, i don't trust that he won't, and that's kind of hard for me to deal with.

thank you for the advice though as every bit of advice counts and is playing into my decision.

do you still think all of htat even though they consented?

12/29/2005 8:08 PM
Tmproff said...

I dont think concent makes a lick of difference in my opinion.

Also, if possible, you might want to talk to the brothers/cousins before you make your decision. Their story might be different than his.

12/30/2005 8:26 AM

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)