I went snowboarding today and watched people ski down with torches while the fireworks went off. I went with my father and tried not to wonder what people were thinking about me (I hate myself when I am shallow). One rocket got tipped over and all these fireworks were exploding on the ground in the middle of all the people with torches. People were laughing. I wanted to figure out why and I finally decided it is because people believe that humans are invincible in torch light parades on new year's, or maybe in general, because those tragedies you see on TV cannot possibly happen here.
No one got hurt.
A year ago today I wrote about love and how much I hated it and how fake it was. I believe in it now, but I still believe in the pain it spreads like disease. I watched those fireworks go off in the midst of pools of children on skis and heard their parents laughing and felt immobilized by love. Because Josh is someone I have been looking for a long time. Because I know the right choice is to leave him. Because I don't feel like I have a choice. I love him. I cannot leave him. I can only try to deal with the consequences.
Love will hurt me again because I am frozen and love is the thing that froze me. But there is a goodness to love.
I came home and found two messages from Charlie wondering if I wanted to do something tonight.
I felt like a slut.
I still do.