It's been a year. Since I started this blog.
The past two Christmas Eves I have made half-hearted suicide attempts.
I want to be better than that today.
In a year... I am still fighting bulimia. There are still cuts on my arms and legs. Most important of all... I still hate myself.
How to cope with failure...
The vacation was... I don't know. The rides were awesome. We went to amusement parks all day for five days. We went on all the rides I wanted to go on and more. The roller coasters were great. My favorite was at Busch Gardens. It takes you up two hundred feet and starts to roll over the ninety degree drop and then stops for six seconds (I counted) before dropping you straight down two hundred feet and into a loop. We were in the front row the second time. But the whole time I just cried because nobody could see me under the restraints. I hated myself so much. It seemed to build up every day. Every drop I only screamed because I was angry because I knew I didn't deserve to live, but I wanted to anyway, even though I knew I was selfish and stupid and incapable of enjoying life.
My mom kept telling me I was selfish, I was a brat, I was siding with my father, I might as well be his wife. And I defended myself to her but inside I knew it was true. Every night I wrote down how angry with myself I was and every night a little slipped away while I was sleeping, but there was plenty of time in the day for it to build up... and I couldn't be happy because of my mom and because of me and who I am. All I thought about was how moody she was, how volatile, and then I realized 50% of me is her DNA, and I am just like her. I thought, I don't want to grow up to be like that, and I thought, but I will...
My father talked to me at Busch Gardens after my mother told me I was 'throwing a tempter tantrum' (I was being quiet... I was angry and depressed... maybe the most angry because I was acting the way my mother does when she's mad, all quiet and lethal like that). He said, "I'm sorry she's like this, I don't know what to do, I've talked to Terry about it, I guess I'lll just have to keep talking to her." I said, "I'll be in college in two years." "But it will always be like this when we're together," he replied.
I can't explain how ominous that felt.
I felt sick every time I ate... I could see the food pasting layers on my body.
I watched my parents together and wondered how he married her and put up with the way she treats him sometimes. She treats him like she treats me.
It's so frustrating because there is so much good in her...
Anyway, Josh sent me a present (I'm going Christmas shopping this afternoon... pretty bad) and Charlie invited me to a movie and I just feel like I don't want him to love me, he loves an illusion, someone that doesn't exist. I know my thoughts, I know I am selfish, I have seen myself naked, I know I am not good enough for him, I know I don't deserve him, and I hate the part of me that doesn't care because I love him...
Progress:
I will not try to kill myself tonight. I am not suicidal.
I haven't OD'd in months.