It's interesting, hitting walls and pushing people away. I pushed Josh away last night. I pushed Charlie away today after he talked about going to a movie. I looked at him and just the idea of trying to pull myself together enough to go on a 'normal' date with him was way too daunting. I pushed all of my friends away from me today. I pushed my parents away. I'm closing down.

I thought all of yesterday about some way to get marijuana and alcohol. I still can't think of any. Most of me is really ashamed in myself for even trying to figure this out, and for knowing that if I did have some way to access those nothing would stop me from using them. As a last ditch attempt to escape things this morning I drank this cup of cappuchino. It couldn't of course have any effect on my mind or this hugely deep depression I have sunken into, but it did give me a sense of doing something wrong, which in a way hurt me, which was what I wanted.

I think maybe I've reached a point where I really need to evaluate myself and what's going on with me. I took a walk last night in the dark into the woods to this limekiln and I just lay there on top of it for a long time thinking of how easy it would be to just lean over and fall off the twenty-five foot wall and hit the sharp rocks below. I looked up at the stars and watched my breath. I sat for a while cutting my hand with a razorblade and wiping all the blood on the ancient cement but then I threw the razorblade as far as I could. I think I might not even have been trying to hurt myself anymore at that point, I think maybe I was trying to hurt everyone else, but cutting myself was the only way I knew to create pain. I realized I've somewhat failed my debate coach. I asked her to help me to be confident so I could win rounds and here we are a year later and all I feel is worthless. I hated myself a lot. It felt good to cry alone. I realized how much I hate letting people my age close to me. I don't want to let them in. They can't handle me and I don't want them to. I want all of my friends and boyfriends to just go away for a while.

I haven't hurt that badly in a really long time. I kept thinking of everyone I knew that had been sexually abused and it felt like my lungs were being punctured and slowly giving out. I wanted so badly for some sort of drugs to take me away. I can keep overdosing on prescription drugs but I am running out of drugs that really do enough to make me high enough to not care anymore. I'm trying so hard to give up and not care but I can't, because some part of me still wants so badly to believe that there is some worth in me.

Today was bad too. I hurt. I hurt really, really badly. All I need or want is for someone who knows me and cares to hug me very very closely and let me cry and tell me everything is going to be okay. For right now I'm in pergutory, somewhere suspended slightly above hell. I know I need to reevaluate my life and who I am, what I believe in and where I'm going, but right now I'm perfectly content to destroy myself in every way I know how.

I need someone to hug me very, very badly, but there is no one here because I've pushed them all away. I've done everything I can to hurt myself and it's not enough. I want to stop feeling. I want to stop thinking. I don't feel like I can handle this any longer.

People may believe in me... that keeps me going. Maybe I even believe in myself, and my capability of getting past this. But I'm not even really sure I want to.

EDIT: Yes, I do believe things are disintegrating. My mom told me to take my dog to the park so I walked her around the park and then I sat in the car breathing in as many harmful aerosals as I could find. The inhalents bloomed into my brain and it gave me this wonderful detached feeling... I just kept breathing more and more in... paint sealent, rubber cement, nail polish remover, air freshener... Yes, things are slipping a little out of control.