Thursday, January 26, 2006

State debate tomorrow. I don't feel like debating. I feel like building a tent on my bed and reading and not talking to anyone ever again. I realized today how much more comfortable with isolation I am than my friends are. They need each other. I don't need anyone. There is only me in my world, and I can live like that. Sure, there is a degree of loneliness, but no dependence... I can't decide whether to feel disgusted with the way they require a vibrant social network in their lives, or to feel disgusted that I'm such a recluse and I don't.

Things are just sloshing around inside of me. I want to take three weeks off school to remember who I am.

On a different note... my friend Brittany and I have been volunteering at the humane society all year (I don't know if I've mentioned that), and it's great fun. We usually go Saturdays but due to the questionable regularity of our visits, we have changed to Thursdays, so I went Saturday and today. On Saturday Brittany was walking this really cute dog whose owners had abused it (those people deserve jail time, not just fines), and it was peeing on all these car tires so I told her to watch him (I have a bit more experience with dogs than Brittany). Anyway, not two minutes later we were talking to this lady and her dog decided I looked like a car tire. I was very mad at Brittany.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately... I just feel numb. Numb but depressed and lethargic and so incredibly freaking angry, even when I'm tired enough to drop off to sleep in five seconds. It's just this crazy mixture of emotion that must have something to do with being in the middle of my third exhaustive year of high school.

Is it wrong to be frustrated with the sexual nature of boys, especially boys who struggle with sexuality? Having been victimized sexually, having been shut of really from normal sexuality, I just feel such an anger towards guys who let their sexuality control them. WHY CAN'T THEY JUST SEE GIRLS SOLELY AS EMOTIONALLY PLEASING BEINGS? Why do we scream sex? Why can they not control their sex drive?

I know the male sex drive is so much stronger than the female one... but it's so hard for me... I just feel sick thinking about it.
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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't have any words of wisdom tonight, but I just wanted to wish you well at state. Here's what my mom always told me in school: "Do your best, and that's all you can do."

And of course, for you that means FRICKIN AWESOME!!

Of course, it goes without saying that I think you're a raving psycho for participating in debate in the first place. Speaking in front of people VOLUNTARILY?? What the ... :)

1/26/2006 5:33 PM
Tmproff said...

I dont think that guys sexual drive is any stronger than a womans. The way a male expresses his sexual drive is so much more noticeable than a females.

Well, as I think about it...females express their sexual frustration just as often as males, but they show it in a totally different manner. Emotionally, females long for the intimacy of sex (they like the physical part too, dont deny it!). Attractiveness, weight loss, appearance...they're all root feelings from "Am I worthy to reproduce?"

It breaks my heart to see some women that have been abused physically (not necessairly raped). They feel so turned off from sex because they think of it as a totally physical activity. I hear "Well I have to give my husband sex because he needs it". Women feel cheated...

It's up to a good smart Christian guy to show females the "Eros" love (Read C.S. Lewis's book The Four Love Languages) God designed sex to be equally important and enjoyable to both males and females. Guys are just so ignorant to the emotional side of it.

1/27/2006 3:52 AM

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