This is off Postsecret. I think that in part it's really true. In my life, and in the lives of those I have observed, walls have been partly for keeping people out, because I have been afraid of what would happen if people knew me. But inside of me there has always been this dream of someone not being stopped by these immense walls inside of me.
Whoever was strong enough to fight through the walls, to kick over the cannons, to keep coming through everything... they must really care. I must be worth loving then. I must be worth something.
The only person I know who has fought through my walls without any help from me and continues to fight them whether I want her to or not is Shauna. I don't know another person like Shauna. I'm high and she makes me talk. I'm sad and she makes me laugh. She sees right through me and I don't understand it... but because I hurt her, because she still comes banging through this maze around me, I know she cares. I know that without a doubt.
I always wanted someone to not be okay with my answer of "fine." People ask how you are... you feel like killing yourself... you say fine. If someone really wanted to know... if someone cared enough to make a difference in your life... they don't accept that as an answer. Really suicidal and depressed people usually insist that they are okay. If you smash past that... if you don't accept it... if you keep looking for where they are hiding past all the lead and titanium and brick... you have proven to them you are different than all of the rest.
Some people I have lowered my walls to because they earned my trust. And I know those people care as well. But you have to admire the ones that fight through it. That won't let you go.
This blog... it has been about being wall-less. THIS IS ME!!!!!! This blog... there are no lies. There is 100% truth. I leave a few things out, but for the most part this blog is full of all the parts of me that are hidden from the people I know in real life. I don't let people in. My counselor told me Saturday that she felt like she'd been banging on my walls for nine years and that I'm finally beginning to lower a drawbridge.
The good thing about walls is safety. Nobody knows you completely. Nobody sees who you really are. But that also means that you never know if people would love the person you are underneath it all. They are friends with someone that is only one millionth of you. If you keep all your secrets locked up... you are safe from unwanted intrusion. But how will you ever know if people accept who you really are?
And so with this blog... I have taken a chance... to present myself completely, no walls, none of the usually defense, no impaling sticks in the front yard. You who read this... this is me... this is who I am... this is all that I am... and I can only ask of you...
Is it worth it?
Am I worth fighting for?
IS THIS PERSON YOU SEE WORTH LOVING?
None of the rest of them can answer that. Nobody else in the world but the people that read this can answer if Lindsay, as a whole, nondivided, complete, honest... if that girl is worth loving.
5 comments:
Yes.
Without a doubt, absolutely, positively, to infinity, YES.
IS THIS PERSON YOU SEE WORTH LOVING?
Are you kidding? You are a hottie!!!
Even though you are way too young for me :) Kidding aside, you are definatly worth it. I'm kinda going through the same thing with someone I care about very much. She's had some terrible past relationships and she is so afraid of opening up. She has put up walls to keep me out, but I wonder if she's like you....waiting for someone to break them down. We'll see.
If anything, I want her to know that there are guys out there that love her for who she is. The "Eros" love. The Servants love...The servants touch...I am touching you not for my own pleasure but so you will be comforted.
Oh my heart aches for you...it gets so lonely behind the walls, although it feels safe, it can still be painful.
This lonliness leads us to ask questions like, "could anyone love me?" "Am I worth loving?" and other questions we have not allowed other people to answer because we are safely secured behind our inmovable walls.....
There is no doubt in my mind that you are worth it. With certainty, and adamant conviction I know you are worth even more than the love I (or anyone else who can respond to this blog) could offer...
My prayer is that you will begin to realize where and Who your worth comes from...
yes.
Yes.
YES, you are worth it.
NFL? I thought this was debate? :)
lol, oh my gosh, me? football? what a nightmare. :-)
thank you... all of you... your replies mean a lot to me. i mean think about it... you're the only people that could tell me that. so it means a lot to hear it. it's hard living in a fortress. tmproff- good luck with that girl. i know it can be hard to get close to people who are really guarded. ashlee- i do realize where it's from. i still hold on to my religion, after everything. i still believe it.
shea- yes it is a weird relationship. but it's one of my only balanced relationships so... yeah. and shauna is amazing. i'm sure you've seen her, she sporadically does policy, but you probably don't remember her.
in closing... see you at the superbowl when i make that great touchdown. :-) it is ironic that the NFL shares it's name with america's organization of geeks. :-)
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