courage

I'm more depressed today, considering I ran out of lithium and my dad hasn't ordered any new stuff yet... but I'm still not nearly as depressed as I was three weeks ago. Also I'm currently listening to Pink Floyd's "The Wall", which probably isn't helping.
I took a risk last night. I sent a letter to my brother, saying, why did you leave me, why did you get into drugs, why did you abuse me? And also a book I wrote him two years ago about how it felt growing up with him in programs and bootcamps and jail and psych hospitals. And I told him I was mad. That's the beginning, I think, saying that.
I can let go of the anger now. I can let go of the pain. What I still find amazing about myself is that so many people have left me and hurt me, but I still trust people 100%, and I can't lose that, or I'll have lost it all.
Every time someone leaves me, I feel... this horrible ache for months and months. This girl named Kristin, it took me two years to get over her abandonment. It hurts like Hell. But still, I trust. I love, and I think it's worth it. It's worth the pain. Or I'd end up like the rockstar Pink Floyd is singing about right now.
I wasn't sure, a few weeks ago, if it was worth still loving, still talking, when so many people had hurt me and left me... but like the quote on top of this blog, the true horror is in not caring. Siobhan did that once. I originally found this quote when Siobhan and I were having a lot of trouble... she left me, maybe I left her, I don't know. But it can apply to me too.
Sometimes it is hard for me to imagine never throwing up or cutting again, but then I think about why it's hard, about the fear, the anger, all the pain behind those feelings, and I know I can do it.
Courage.