This may be a long post. I will make no attempt to make it shorter. Something amazing, miraculous, and desperately needed has happened to me and I want to explain it. If you read it, you will benifit from it. The camping/rafting were fun, it was nice seeing Josh, but I'll talk about all that later. What I want to talk about is the seminar I just went to.
I can't say what I did at it, because I signed a contract saying I wouldn't, but I can talk about what I learned. It was in California, in the mountains. The first two days were very emotionally hard and I just wanted to run out the door and keep running all the way down the mountain and not come back. But my parents had warned me... you get as much out of this seminar as you put in. I stayed.
Everyone hated it at first. I was the only one who wanted to be there- the rest of them had siblings in the drug abuse program Craig was in in Samoa for three and a half years and their parents were making them. By the end of the week though, nobody wanted to go home. We were all sobbing and hugging eachother, and I still feel a very horrid ache whenever I think about it, because I want so badly to be back there it was so wonderful.
Man, I thought I knew myself when I was going there, but I didn't have a clue. I knew the top of my iceburg, so to speak, more than most people, but there's still so much beneath the water. The seminar's all about lowering that waterline of consciousness. I learned it's all about control for me, and that everything I do is based on a core of perfectionism and fear. Perfectionism gives me control, and allows me not to take risks because I fear failure (I knew that before the seminar, but I didn't understand why like I do now). Nothing is ever good enough for me... I use perfectionism to beat myself up for not being super-human. Fear allows stagnancy as well. And I am very afraid of happiness (another thing I knew but didn't understand). When my parents went to the seminar, they learned the phrase "based on results you have exactly what you intended". I thought it was crap, but that was because I didn't understand myself. Based on my results, I do have exactly what I intended, the intentions were just unconscious before so I wasn't aware of them. But what I intended, through fear and perfectionism, was to not take risks, and not be happy. So I am miserable don't take risks. It IS what I intended. I never would have understood that before.
Both fear and perfectionism were born when I was very young. Fear meant I took no risks, and therefor didn't get hurt anymore than necessary. Perfection mean that by expecing more of myself than anyone else possibly could I had a powerful sort of impenetrable protection. Also, I made no progress for years and years. Every time I break my word, I realized it's all about either control or approval. Both are very strong drives in my life. I used my past as an excuse to be messed up, as a story. Truth is, I'm not accountable for what happened when I was young, but I am accountable now for how I deal with it: whether I move on, or whether I wallow in it and use it to feed my fear and perfectionism. The truth is it's a choice, all of it. I was choosing to be miserable. Now, I choose to be happy.
There is no right or wrong, only working and non-working. Also, life (and everything in it) is not about winning and results, as my perfectionist mind would have me believe. It's about the journey, and working together with people for a common goal. I don't have to tear other people down to be happy. Someone doesn't have to lose for me to win.
Okay, those are a few of the things I learned. I wish I could explain how I learned them, it was so... amazing. But I can't... I gave my word, and my word and my integrity mean a lot more to me now than two weeks ago. There are no great and small promises or lies, only great and small consequences. My word is my word. Suffice it to say that the things we did finally knocked some sense into me, and I realized that I am perfectly capable of change if I choose to change. Now, I am terrified of risks, and my old pattern is to give into fear and not take them. But I'm done with that now. I'm finally, finally, finally ready to be happy, and to do whatever it takes. So here are some goals:
1. Stop demanding perfection, which allows only for "good" results, and allow excellence, which is all about risking and trying and being proud of yourself for risking. I thought failure meant not achieving the correct results... now I know it is actually not even trying because I fear the results. It's the journey that matters.
2. Talk to my friends and family more about my emotions and what's going on with me. Also my counselor and especially Matt and Olivia.
3. Quit the cutting and bulimia. I thought that would be hard. Now I realizing I was choosing to make it hard, and I can choose to let it go and be happy and move on just as easily. It just takes courage, something I thought I had.
4. Allow happiness. Accept it as an ultimate control. I am so terrified of not having control, another excuse I use for my negative behaviors. Truth is, real, healthy control is found in happiness and peace of mind. Rather than win-lose control, it is win-win control (again, someone doesn't have to lose for me to win. When I am cutting/bulimic, myself and my family and anyone who cares about me is losing).
5. Take leadership roles whenever possible (yes, during this camp, my shell cracked. My shyness disappeared... I allowed my old leadership skils to return. I took ever risk, gave every opportunity my 100%, and discovered I have some good things to say if I make myself heard).
6. Be more outgoing.
7. TAKE EVERY RISK AND OPPORTUNITY I AM OFFERED. (Without over-committing). I have spent so many years procrastinating doing something, and eventually losing the chance altogether. I'm done with that. I'm living a full, happy life, in every way possible.
8. Live in the now. Let go of the past. I've worked through it. It's over now.
9. Use the accountability formula daily (something you'll have to go to this seminar to understand, since I can't tell you).
10. Give and accept feedback constructively.
11. Punch pillows or run for anger release. It worked at the seminar because I chose it to work. It can work for me still.
12. Give EVERYTHING 100%. Commit fully.
13. Trust myself and others.
14. Let go of the past and its excuses and stories.
15. Courage- acknowledge fear- face the pig, talk to the pig, beat the pig (pig equals self-limiting beliefs I tell myself).
16. Work with people as a team. Don't play the right/wrong, win/lose games. Or the guilt games. Things are working or nonworking.
17. LIVE, LOVE, AND LEARN!!!!
I acknowledge how I've allowed my past to control me. I am making a new choice to be healthy.
Most importantly I learned:
I AM AN INNOCENT, CAPABLE, LOVABLE YOUNG WOMAN. MY PURPOSE IS TO ACCEPT EXCELLENCE AND OVERCOME MY FEAR OF IT. MY VISION IS TO, BY THE END OF NEXT YEAR, BE EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY!
I've been focusedon results for so long... what about the journey? It's time to enjoy it, to give 100%. It's time to give up perfection and embrace excellence.
THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS. BASED ON RESULTS I HAVE EXACTLY WHAT I INTENDED.
It's a choice, really. All of it. My life. I am capable of anything I choose.