debate

THIS IS NOT FAILURE. (Keep telling myself this... I have to keep pounding it in...)
RESULTS:
place: 12 out of 40-ish. They broke to quarterfinals. If they had broken to octafinals, I would have broken easily.
record: 3-2. I barely lost the last round I guess... last night this girl from Idaho beat me pretty clearly to a lay judge. I don't know about the arguments, but she sure was a better speaker in that round.
speaker place: 8th. I got a nifty pink little trophy that says 8th place speaker varsity policy. (I am varsity LD, not policy, so I will have to get the 8th place policy person and try to swap at some point.) This is amazing to me. I thought I SUCKED as a speaker at this tournament. I thought I was doing horribly.
Then again I thought this morning that I was 1-2 and I was 2-1. Going into the last round I was 3-1. And I barely lost. And I should have won. Going over my flow, this is the one time I can say that without doubting that I am just trying to justify the loss: I should have one. We agreed on burdens and what should be voted on in CX, and I most definitely fulfilled it without refute.
OH WELL.
Now I have to prove to myself that I'm not a failure. 3-2 was my goal. I accomplished it. But... when you're that close to breaking... you feel angry with yourself that you didn't just get that extra point in that really close round (I should have won... grr...). And I am not happy. I should be. I got 8th out of 40-ish for speaking. There were 14 schools there. That is freaking AMAZING.
But not good enough for me.
I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR MYSELF!
There is that terrified little part in us that says, Why didn't you break? Why are you such a loser? And it is convinced that this is true because I am not perfect, because I don't break, win, go 5-0, first place speaker. This is an impossible thing to expect of myself. It is irrational. I have beat some very good people this year. How can I expect something impossible out of myself? I will never be happy. I will never feel good about a tournament.
I did not do badly at this tournament but it feels like I did. It feels like I'm a failure for being four people off from breaking. I need to somehow become okay with doing well. I am so angry at myself when I do badly, because it is proof that I suck. This tournament is proof that I have a chance to do well. I can't believe it though. I can't believe that I don't suck. That constant fear of utter failure gnaws at me.

My friend went 1-4 again. She did last year at this tournament too. I didn't know what to tell her. I didn't know how to explain to her that I felt like a failure too without sounding pathetic, and ungrateful. If I feel like a failure, what does that make her? I talked to her a little. I know she was jealous. Anyone would be. I was jealous of Will, this kid on my team that did well even though I ALWAYS beat him in practice rounds (but I like him this year; he's really nice, so I was glad he did well also).
I shouldn't have left her alone but I did. It was stupid. I walked back to the main building. I was standing inside talking to some people when I realized how stupid that was. If someone had let me wander off alone after this, I would not be doing something good. I knew she was depressed. I knew she felt like quitting, like everything was futile because it led to failure. I knew she could have been suicidal for all I knew.
I ran to the tab room. Asked for Amanda or Shea. Amanda asked what I wanted. I said, "I don't know if she's okay." "Who?" "Brittany," I said (my friend). Amanda said she was busy. I said, "Is Shea around or anyone to help me?" and Marcus said he would, but then Amanda looked at me, and looked at everyone in the tab room, and I knew she was busy, and she knew it, but I could see the conclusion in her mind, I could see that she cared more about Brittany than ballots, that she wanted to help her.
So we ran off to find her. And I don't know if she was okay when we found her but she talked to Amanda for a while and she seemed okay after that. They are a salve, those coaches. Things can be falling down around us, but I know that if they are there it will be okay. I hate going to tournaments without them because I feel disconnected, and there is no one to talk to when things go badly.

Debate is a really emotional event for me, and for my friend. Will, the boy on our team, is able to disconnect himself from the results. We aren't. Brittany was talking to me later and she said, "I thought about just quitting... I mean how can I handle this sh*t?" so I said to her the only thing that made sense.
"It's always going to hurt when we do worse than we hoped. That's probably not going to change, because of what debate means to us. We will feel inadequate. We will feel like we suck, since we have lost so many rounds. We will feel like there really is no hope for us to do well. No matter how much we attempt to disconnect from the results, I dont' think it's possible for us. But I don't do debate to win. I hate doing badly. I hate that sick feeling. I hate trying to live up to my expectations. But even if I lose every single debate for the rest of this year and next year, I will not quit, because if I debated to win I would have quit after my first tournament. I debate because I truly love debate. Because it means a lot to me. I don't think I could go a year without debating now that I've discovered it. I don't think I could live without it. In a debate round, even when I am losing, I am so happy just to be there, competing. It feels horrid when I lose but in the end I don't quit because I do it because I can't not. And I think that you do too. So I know it feels pathetic and hopeless, and I know people are telling us through ballots that we suck, that we have failed, that we are not good enough, but the second we believe it, the second we totally accept that, there is no hope left."

I don't know if I made a difference. I will not lie- if I had gone 1-4, I would have cut and I would have been miserable for a while. It would have hurt, very badly. I would have done worse things than Brittany did. But I would not have quit. I can't quit. Something in me is invested in debate now and it is irretrievable. I will do anything to keep debating. I believe I have something in me that is capable of doing well some day. I will NOT give that up. Even though I feel like a failure tonight. Even though it hurts to lose. Losing is not nearly as bad as not debating at all.