I really just need to write this to vent. I was so angry tonight; I still am. I felt so fat today. I gained two pounds. Today I ate a piece of pie and a cookie. There's so many reasons for all the problems I'm having... mostly that I am still used to binging, and so I want to purge. I wanted to throw up so badly tonight. I fought it. I'm fighting it.
I started crying at the weight watchers meeting. We came up with some sort of solution, some way to centrallize my meals, plan them out even better, eliminate the binges (but it is so hard, they are burned into me). I still want to purge but I know that if I keep doing that I will do it for the rest of my life, and I will never learn how to eat, and I will always have to binge and purge and feel miserable and be trapped in this bulimia forever. That can't be the solution. There has GOT to be a better way. So I will fight for it.

BUT I AM ANGRY!!!!!!!!! I AM SO MAD AT FOOD!!!! I AM SO MAD AT EATING!!!!!!!! I CAN'T HANDLE IT!!! I HATE IT!!! I HATE BEING FAT!!! I WANT TO BE NORMAL AND NOT THINK/WORRY ABOUT FOOD 90% OF THE TIME, AND NOT NEED TO BINGE AND PURGE AND NOT FEEL THIS HELPLESS AND OUT OF CONTROL...
Oh my gosh nobody ever explained to me how hard it is to recover after being bulimic for five years. It seems impossible.... but I can't give up, I just can't...