I get sick of Simple Plan. But last night I listened to their "Untitled" five times in a row. It says exactly how I am feeling.
Today I went to the temple with my church group. I shouldn't have been there. I'm not like them, not clean in that innocent way. The wine and the pills and everything is enough that I should have not gotten the recommend. But I needed to go... I needed to feel clean again, if only for an instant, even if it wasn't for me. It was a selfish reason to go, and we're supposed to go for others. But it was a reason.
I tried positioning my arms all different ways as they baptised me. No matter how I turned them you could see at least one long, shiny pink scar. You can't wear jewelry or watches or anything, so the reflective strip of tissue on my wrist glared with every light.
I can't explain in words how sad that made me feel, all those scars. And what made me sadder was the binging that I still did, the purging that I still did, the plans I made to get a razor that I still did, even as I regretted with every part of me all of the things I have done.
I just hoped, numbly, that someday, sometime, somehow God will forgive me, and I will deserve it.

It's like the Simple Plan song except one thing... it's not "how did this happen to me." It's "how did I do this to myself, and watch it happen, and let it happen, and end up so shocked at how bad it has become?"

I didn't imagine a few years ago that I would be abusing drugs, somewhat alcohol, razors, and all of this. I thought I was 'stronger.'

But it's not really about strength, is it? It's about learning. Learning to love and be something...

Half of my friends from church are going to college next year. It scared me. I'm scared of losing them, but the fear is more consuming than that. You know that feeling you get, when you've had a great day and you're somewhere far from home and from family and from friends that are like family, and everyone goes to sleep, and you can't? You just sit there watching them all night long, and the panic builds up inside of you and slowly chokes you so by dawn you feel insane?
That's how it feels to me, this college businesses. I've had a wonderful day, I'm ready to go to sleep, but I'm so afraid I'll be the one with insomnia.

It's not that I fear independence. It is that I fear being so far away from the places that I lived as I learned how to be.