small victories

I ate some angel food cake (which I love by the way) tonight and immediately regretted it. I knew I had to purge in some way. The only thing it wasn't too late for was OD-ing and throwing up. So I planned it all out.
Then I thought about my teeth. And because they look fine to me now, it doesn't seem quite real that all that throwing up is destroying them. But as I spent another two lovely hours with the dentist today, and I think that by now I have more fillings than I have teeth (or at least it seems like that), I was forced to think about it.

And I hate how I lose my coherency when I'm high (is high the word? I can't think of a better one). I imagined playing tennis tomorrow, stumbling around like an idiot.

So I decided to think about it. And the best way I know to think is to run. I grabbed my handy dandy ipod and my handy dandy payless running shoes that I got when some idiot stole my nice Adidas ones from my gym locker freshman year, and I headed out the door into the night.

I'm not sure how long I was intending to run. Not that long. Maybe twenty or thirty minutes. But I ran my usual fast two miles, and it wasn't enough, I still felt like OD-ing. So I decided to run until the desire was out of me, until I didn't need to anymore.

I ran about an hour, about five and a half miles. I ran, spending time I could have spent practicing for district music festival or (God forbid) doing homework. I ran and the temperature was perfect and it was all perfect, that running rhythm that settles into me, the way the stars were just barely visible behind the clouds. I ran out all of my anger and frustration, and I remembered why I ran every day all summer and September. There is something so amazingly therapeutic in running...

When I didn't feel like I had to OD anymore I came in. It was about 10:00 p.m. I wasn't tired, but my hands were really shaky. I proceded to aid my parents' attempts to sleep by crashing Rachmaninoff (sp?) on the piano.

My father looked in my ear because they've been hurting, and the pressure's been annoying, and apparently my eustachian tubes are all messed up, and in my right ear I have an infection and in my left ear I have negative pressure. Both of those things make me feel a bit far off, like everything is seen through a layer of... something.

Today in chemistry my teacher was trying to blow glass and he exploded his bubble and paper-thin glass shards were flying everywhere like confetti. It was the only exciting thing to happen all day.

Well the point is I am going to go do my homework and then eventually go to bed, but I didn't OD. I didn't somehow, and that is a major victory, because I had my mind set on it when I went out running. I guess some part of me didn't want to though or I wouldn't have ran. I need to pay more attention to that part, and less attention to the part that needs control desperately enough to destroy my mind, body, and teeth (part of my body, but in need of differentiation) for it.