There's a lot I could write about. After a disaster violin performance on Saturday due to earthquakes in my hands, my father finally said there's nothing else he can do but prescribe me some pills to take right before I perform to calm me down, as nothing else has worked on my stagefright. I'll try them, but it is becoming the story of my life... if something doesn't work, take some pills and make it better.
The tennis tryouts are going okay except for my serving. When we had to run today I thought I was getting deathly pneumonia but my father just told me it was asthma and to use my inhaler and stop being dramatic.
I've gained two pounds and I won't let it stay that way. I'll lose them again by the end of the week, no matter what I have to do.
Cutting definitely doesn't work anymore. I just feel mechanical, hollow. It is terrifying to try to understand who I am without it, but I don't think it's a big part of me anymore. Just saying that makes me want to go do it, just to reassure myself that I still need it, but maybe I don't. Maybe I'm done with that part of my life.

have been lost the millions with lots
who feed on addiction selling pills and what's hot
I wish I could save her from all their delusions
all the confusion
of a nation that starves for salvation
but clothing is the closest approximation
to God and He only knows that drugs
are all we know of love
Every day we starve while we eat white bread
and beer instead of a handshake or hug
We spill the pills and sweep them
under the rug
My little sister is a Zombie in a body
with no soul in a role she has learned to play
in a world today where nothing else matters
but it matters, we gotta start feeding our soul

(From "Little Sister" by Jewel)