love is alone

One of my friends emailed me and asked me what the point of life was, why she was alive. I called her and we talked for a long while. It really reminded me of how imperative it is that people think about things, and read psychology, and develop their own philosophy about life. When we are children it is sometimes okay to get by on borrowed philosophies, but as we grow up those philosophies cannot be enough to live for.

I've been thinking... I really believe that humans have the ability to decide not to be miserable (excluding, again, chemical depression etc.), to decide not to hate someone, to decide to be positive about experiences. I think that people pretty much have control over their emotions. Except I don't think it's possible to decide not to love someone. I don't think that's something that you can really ever control. And I wonder why... what is so different about love? Why is it the one thing that we cannot control? That is why it is so frightening I think... it doesn't allow for control the way I like.

In biology those razorblades are starting to drive me crazy... I'm not desperate enough to grab one that's been slicing through cat muscles, but they look so perfect and gleaming and capable of easily slicing through me. I know it's just my residual past, holding on, but every time I close my eyes I can plan exactly where I'd cut, how deep, how to care for it, etc. It is a bit of a sickness, I think. It can't go away with anything but a lot of determination and a lot of time, both of which I can have if I choose to. ("Never end a sentence with a preposition.")

What else is weird is that there's this girl in my math class, Hilde, and I really like her. I think she's really nice, and I like her clothes. I try not to talk a lot in math class, but I'm sure even my existance makes me annoying sometimes. She's playing tennis though, and she's on JV because it's her first year. And for some reason I really care what she thinks about me. I don't understand why I'm like that with some people... I really care for some reason. I can't care about the big things like my body being healthy and whatnot, but I can care that Hilde doesn't hate me.

Go figure.

EDIT: You know what I want today more than anything? I want to go through one day just feeling the way stimuli make me feel, no bipolar, no short-circuited seratonin or whatnot... just me. Because with all these disorders I have, I don't know what's me anymore. I don't know if I've ever known what's me. And with bipolar... I don't know if anything I feel will ever be trustworthy and reliable. Two days later I could crash or soar. There's not really any predicting, no telling. Boom and bust.
As important as bipolar, OCD, GAD etc. are to who I am now, I can't help but wonder who I would be without them... and want to have just one day when my body does not randomly control my emotions. I just want one day to not be bipolar. I want to know what it feels like to trust myself.