pain

March. March comes with so much nostalgia.
Four years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, and put on two drugs... now I'm on four.
Four years ago I first cut myself, on a day when I wasn't even sure who I was anymore.
Four years ago I first OD'd- on my mother's prozac, so desperate to escape.
Four years ago I first attempted suicide...
Five years ago I stopped eating for the first time.
Three years ago I started throwing up through every method possible.

It's all March. February, march, the months go on, they all mark aniversiaries of the things I told myself I'd never do...

Now March and I'm defending someone who is sexually hurting others to help himself because I'm in love, and it's so against everything I could have possibly predicted. Do you know how badly it hurts to defend someone committing incest? I had oral sex with my brother and it took so much pain, so much effort to escape... I'm still not totally free from it, and before I'm free I'm defending someone who did what my brother did...

IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do! I love him but I hate him! He scares me... I'm scared of what he's doing, but I know him, I understand him, and maybe I never wanted to understand what goes on in the mind of the people that do this, but I'm forced to, I'm forced to understand and to love someone who is doing something that ruined my life. And I am helpless... I can't betray him, I can't stay with him, I can't talk to him, I can't not talk to him...

I want to scream. You are separated from this. This is me. This is my life. This is what I have gotten myself into... what I have feared more than anything I have ever feared... trying to understand the mind of someone who can't control sex when I can hardly make myself think about it... It's hell. It's the worst torture God or anyone could ever give me, to make me suffer through this, and I'm not sorry for it, whatever happens in my life happens, no regrets, not ever.

And I can't tell anyone around me really, and I can't think about it because my stomach gets sick, and I can't not think about it because it won't just go away...

I'D DO ANYTHING FOR HIM!!! I LOVE HIM!!! I loved him in June... and now I am faced with this and I don't know what to do because I've never loved anyone before. All of me is torn apart, every filament tearing...

I can't turn this off, it's my life. I want to walk away but I"m connected. I want to give someone who is me advice and then return again to a safe, sex-free bubble. I can't handle this. I can't handle thinking about what my brother did. How can I ever handle trying to think about what Josh is doing, and help him? And all the while love him, because I can no longer control it, because I took a chance and I'll never regret it but it's ripping my heart out, whether my heart is made of neurons or my heart is something more, I feel it, and it HURTS!