What do you say when someone has just changed your life but continues to stand there, stupidly, like it was just a hug, just some words, like every moment is the same, like this moment is just like the last? But everything is different... so what do you say? You can't say anything. Any words you say make it fake, belittle it. Words are awkward. There's no way to explain to someone that they've revolved your world. You can only stand there, smiling stupidly, and praying that some small part of them understands the weight of the gift they have given you...
My stitches are out. We were supposed to leave them in until Saturday but I was fed up with them so we pulled them out tonight. My finger looks like a train crash occurred on it... there are the tracks from the knots in the stiches, there is the train that's this hard, half-healed cut. I am fascinated with it somehow. They said I will always have a train track scar on that fingerprint now.
I was feeling sorry for myself a few days ago because my grandfather spent thousands and thousands to keep my brother alive in residential treatment, to keep the drugs out of his reach, and he won't give me money for college when all my work has been largely for him. I've always wanted to be accepted... to replace Craig somehow. Craig had all the attention and all the money all those years I was growing up, somewhat unnoticed. But then today my parents told me they would sell the house and move into an apartment if I got into MIT or Caltech or Berkely or the like. And now I feel so undeserving. I don't want them to give all of that up for me! I'm not worth that... but it does make me realize how much they care for me. I have never doubted that they loved me very much and would do anything for me. Even if they hurt me with neglect and calling me names and hitting me they still always have made me feel loved. And that means a lot to me now when I am dissecting the world in terms of love. I need it there, some sourt of source for life.
Well I have to go read The Grapes of Wrath. I have a hundred pages left and the test is monday or tuesday. And I am hopelessly behind in math. I don't understand at all how we are mixing up difference and differential equations like conjectured smoothies. Probably because I always do my history during math class. I just can't bring myself to pay attention in my classes anymore, which is a problem.
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3 comments:
Yes. You are worth it. That's what parents do. We sacrifice our own needs and wants for our children's sake. Yet, somehow, it doesn't feel like sacrifice.
You are beautiful...
You are worth more than that...although that is a beautiful earthly portrait of worth, you, Lindsay, are worth far more than that...
Another thing you should look at is college loans. If your parents can afford to put you through college, that's great. In my case, I had to take out a loan. If/when you graduate, hopefully you chose a profession that will pay well.
I have been very blessed with the job I got straight out of college, and it took me a year and a half to pay off my college loan. It's a sacrifice in the beginning, but after it's done, it's such a great feeling.
There are many reasons why it's good to help pay for your college. First and foremost, it makes you feel responsible. Your money (well your future money) is paying for these classes and you will want to do good. TRUST ME, there will be times where you want to drop a class. If your money helps pay for it, you'll think twice.
Second, it will take some of the pressure off of your parents financially as well as show them that you can be financially responsible yourself.
Just something to think about.
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