aftermath

Well I instant messaged Josh for a long time today, and we yelled at each other a lot (if caps lock messages are yelling on IM), but maybe I got through... I don't know. I told him he needs to stop killing himself with his school schedule. He said he needed to think about college. I said that college didn't matter because he wasn't going to just magically quit destroying himself or hurting people around him. It was a long conversation in which I found myself telling him things that people always told me, that I never believed... that he needs to love himself, that he's worth it, that he's worth more than this. I seem to be getting put on the opposite end of everything lately... and I realized that I do love myself right now (that could change in a heartbeat, but it's something), I do care about myself, I do think I'm worth a lot, I don't want to destroy myself. All new emotions after years of hating myself far more than anyone else in the world. And the reason I do finally love myself is because people loved me. People never gave up on me. Some people have abandoned me, but some people have stuck with me through every horrible moment, and those people made all the difference in the end.
So I will do that for Josh.

I finally got him to agree to calling a psychologist and asking about insurance, which is a start. I will not give up on him or leave him alone though until he has the professional help he needs. I don't care if he hates me (and some part of him must be really mad at me right now)... I love him and I will do what's best for him, even if it hurts me, even if he thinks it hurts him.

I will never give up on that boy.