Well I'm back on my medicine, and am sane and generally myself, depressed all the time but not suicidal. In fact I'm so used to a constant depression that I don't even really think of it as depression, but rather just my normal state of mind... but I should cycle to hypomania again soon, like I was on Tuesday, because I'm about due for it. On meds, my cycles are every few days, off meds, I have weeks, sometimes over a month of depression, and then a random few days of mania.
Today Amanda gave us these really cool things for state, which is this weekend, and I'm really nervous, but it was really nice of her.
Anyway, I love Matt, but I'm so scared he'll stop loving me. I guess I can't understand why he or Amanda or Siobhan or Olivia or anyone loves me. I really want to love myself and believe in myself though... but I'm constantly frightened that Matt is just going to stop loving me. I don't know why, because I don't worry that anyone else will do that, just him. Hmm... I never make much sense, do I?
I think my new math class hates me, I just try to camouflage into my desk...
I'm really tired. I'm going to go do my biology homework. It feels weird to go again from insane psychotic to medicated and tired. Bipolar is crazy.
The seraquel I'm taking is really helping for sleep and anxiety though.
ACK I'm just a pharmacy packed into a teenager I've been through SO many medications!
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