semesters... (blech)

Two down, five to go... Biology tomorrow, which is going to be my second hardest (calc will by my hardest).
So I guess I really am lucky. I went to italian sodas with Matt today, and we talked a lot about philosophy (I am obessessed with it), and life, and how our relationship will be. And he said he'll wait for me to be sixteen, and that he wouldn't wait for any other girl but he'll wait for me. And I gave him a Book of Mormon because he wanted one. And I felt okay again, not suffocated.
And I've been thinking a lot, about myself, about control, about pain. My whole life I have been hurt by people. These things I think I'm doing for control, like the eating disorder, the cutting, the drugs, are truly just continuing, on a daily basis, to let the same old abusers continue to opress me. Which is not what I want. I want real freedom- real control. And the only way to achieve that is to do the one thing that defies them: LIVE. Live happily live healthily... not to sound cliche, but live Strong (which is grammatically incorrect, it should be strongly. Guess that doesn't worth with Armstrong though). And I am lucky. Because through all that I've been through, I know that I have the potential to be happy, to love, to self-actualize. I know that I have a purpose, and that because I think about these things I could be one of the lucky few on earth that actually pursues a true purpose for life.
And then there is Matt. I still think it's funny that he french kissed me three feet away from poor Amanda who was probably wondering what the heck to do, in the middle of the night somewhere in central Montana. It did feel nice I guess, making out is fun and all, but I do need to slow down, take some time. But I guess I'm lucky that I have such an awesome guy that loves me, and that I love such an awesome guy.
I drove Matt home today and his face was inches from mine, and we both knew that we wanted more than anything to just kiss eachother, and I just wanted to let myself go into his arms and his existance, but instead I took my hand and kissed it and placed my fingers on his lips and he did the same to me. Shauna may say it's limiting your horizons to believe completely in any one organized religion, but it sure has helped me.
Here is how stupid I am though: for the second week in a row I have lost an over-$50 pair of dress shoes... I keep just randomly leaving them places. I'm always so tired and stressed at tournaments that I'm never really aware of what I am doing.
About the tournament... it was my first varsity tournament, and I did okay. I got 21 out of 36. I know I can beat anyone out there's arguments and speaking skills, but apparently I lack a necessary aura of control. I know I can get it though because apparently I project it in my cross-examinations. Who knew? But according to Frankl (whose book Amanda gave me for Christmas and which I read and loved) the only way to truly acheive something is paradoxical intention- so in the instance of my debate, I have to actually try to not be in control, try not to be self-confident. It's that same old paradox that when you go to show someone something, and you try to do it, you can't.
Ah well state is in a few weeks. I don't expect myself to break or anything, but I would like to at least go 3-2. (I went 2-3 at this tournament).