whatever

I cut my arm very badly last night. It started bleeding in gym today... we were playing volleyball. The good thing is the laxatives were out of me so I wasn't crawling around like an idiot like I was last Thursday.
It's very deep and will leave a bad scar, identical to the one on my opposite arm that I did about a year ago at this time. I usually don't cut on my arms much because it's so exposed... I guess this time a part of me wanted people to see. Nobody will know what it's from of course, but I'll know, and there is this danger, this adrenaline rush, in literally wearing one of your deepest secrets on your sleeve... or rather arm.
I'm trying to understand why I cut most when I'm feeling like a failure and when I'm feeling very proud. It may have to do with the masochism, the pleasure being entertwined with pain thing, it may, as my therapist said, have to do with conditioned responses. I don't know; all I know is that I don't cut when I'm really mad anymore, which is good, and I don't feel really mad all the time anymore.
Well, there will always be these scars all over me to remind me of my adolescence. I figure the boy that I marry and that loves me is obviously not the guy for me if he cares about my scars. Maybe they'll be faded by then anyhow. Well I suppose I'll have to quit cutting before they fade... I'm working on it.
I'm really worried about NFL's this weekend, because it's double elimination... meaning as soon as you lose two debates, you're out, there's no minimum amount of debates... if you lose the first two, you're out. If you lose your first one, you're in until you lose another one. It's going to be really nerve-racking, and I'm actually tempted to wimp out and not go at all, but that would be being a coward and I do that too often to do it again now. I've realized that although not taking chances does save me from failure and humiliation, it also eliminates the possibility of success and glory. I don't know. It's a cosmic balance. Is it worth it? Is anything worth it? Is life worth it?
Well I need to go do my mountains of homework before my cello lesson in two hours. We have SO much math homework every night, and we're reading this really tedious book on Native Americans for English. It's not really that bad of a book, but it's full of names like "Kills-close-to-the-lake" that I can't keep track of, so I haven't been able to read it quickly.