Why I am an idiot...

Last night I ate two cookies and some candy so I took three laxatives. They usually work in twelve hours, but I think my body is building up tolerance. Anyway, in gym today, I was having the worst stomach/intestine/whatever spasms. I thought I was going to throw up. And I kept having to dash off to the bathroom. I'm so stupid.
On the downside I have gained three pounds and now weigh 108. Which is sad and I'm definitely going to lose it again, all I have to do is not eat (but we have like 600 of my favorite cookies in the universe raw in our freezer so it's going to be hard).
I have SO much math homework... we're using integrals to find the area under a curve, back to sigma notation oh joy, obviously my favorite part of math (not).
I need to start running again but it's cold out, so I don't really want to. Ack I'm so fat and out of shape.
The state debate tournament starts tomorrow, and I'm very, very scared. I just have to believe in myself... I keep telling myself that. I wish I learned it when I was young like most kids instead of having to completely unravel and redo my self-confidence as a teenager. Although it is better I suppose than the many adults that never have any sort of self-confidence.
I don't believe in heroes as amazing people that do amazing deeds or according to Mrs. Hanson "give their life for a greater cause" or whatever. I believe in heroes as ordinary people who go through a lot and handle it with dignity and are better for their mistakes and are constantly working on turning their weaknesses to strengths. You don't have to perfect or strong or anything to be my hero- you just have to have compassion, you have to admit to your emotions and work through them every day of your life.
I do believe that I think too much about philosophy and life in general, but like Matt says that's a lot better than people that don't think at all (cough our high school cough).
I want to do that tomorrow, though, be a hero. I know if I believe in myself I have the potential to be unbeatable. I only need to tap that potential and gain this sort of aura, this presence that can't be described but that hangs in curtains around any very good varsity debater. It's just this power, this control, this knowledge that no matter how bad things get or how bad they are, you are still in control of what y0u say, so whether it's your first speech or your last, your words have the power to shift the whole debate.
I need to walk into those rooms knowing that I can win. Knowing that anything is possible when you have that control.
Amanda and Shea won't be there though so I'm going to just keep myself medicated and pray I don't have emotional collapses like at the last two.
Amanda's going to call Brittany's cell phone sometime and email us at night. Why does she care so much about us? I can't figure it out. I realize Brittany and I are codependent on her, but she's just so amazing. She is like my ultimate hero, because she's so smart but she thinks about philosophy and life ameleorating her mistakes. She's my definition of a hero.