Myself again and who is that?

Today I am again myself and okay again and thinking clearly and when I look in the mirror instead of sinking, shifting shadows I see my face, pale but real. I woke up this morning and took one step out of Olivia's bed and ran to the bathroom and threw up one last time and sat on the toilet seat my head spinning circles but then I was okay.
My forehead is breaking out ahh I need to fix that! I hate zits they're so stupid why do our bodies have to have them?
I was supposed to be cleaning my room all day but I got very distracted and ended up sorting through pictures looking for my pictures of the world trade center and Kristin and me. And I realized I've been friends with Kristin for almost eleven years.
So I am myself again but I am wondering, who is that?
I really think I'm going to cut my wrist tonight. I'll do it in the shower... the water makes my skin soft, and I have a brand-new razorblade. I may end up dying but I don't think I will I usually am able to stop when it gets too deep.
I was looking at myself in the mirror today and all the scars all over me and total I think I have about sixty. I've cut far more times than that, but those are the ones that were deep enough to leave scars.
I'm worried about the state debate tournament because Amanda won't be there and Shea won't be there and I don't know how I'm going to cope with anything. Then again if I die tonight it won't matter.
I'm not suicidal right now I'm just a bit detatched. I don't really care if I live or die I just want to feel alive and I know that pain can do that to me, and I love that sort of adrenaline rush when I'm cutting my wrist and I know I'm on that obscene edge of life and death.
When I have tried to commit suicide by cutting my wrist I haven't been able to. Movies and books make it seem so easy but it's not, it's sawing and violence and cut after cut, no matter how sharp your blade is it takes time to get to the vein. And when you finally do you're so numb that you can't figure out what the h*ll is going on.
And the last time I attempted suicide, not the last time I cut my wrist but the last time I did it fully intending to die, was September and I sat there for a half hour or more cutting until there was SO much blood coming from me but I still hadn't cut that vein, I was still able to save myself, and I was planning on dying but then something snapped in my brain and I realized (this is the oddest reason to stop a suicide attempt, but odd situations bring odd thoughts) my science lab partner was depending on me to write the introduction to our Brassica report, and I couldn't die because then she'd have to do everything all on her own.
That is a miserable feeling, though, when you sit there with all that blood and that razorblade in your hands, and you realize you're a failure at life, which is why you wanted to die, but now that you're that close to death and you can't do it, you know that you're a failure at death too, and you're not alive and not dead and you're in such a crazy state of mind/body that you fade into this indescriptable existance that there are no words for, the closest concept is that of a ghost. I hate those moments.
Anyway, tonight I won't do it to kill myself, and I realize I'm crazy and irresponsible, but I really just have the compulsion to do it, and the careful deliberate control I have over my life when I know that one more cut could kill me just sounds really appealing. So essentially I'm not going to cut my wrist tonight to die, but rather for that instant when I am on the line of life and death and I know that I have absolute and complete control over my whole entire universe and existance.