I'm angry and depressed right now... crying for the first time in a while.

I was playing cello... playing cello is the best release, the best way to let go of the world, even better than violin because cellos sound so powerful and sad... and I love the song I was playing, and I thought I played it well, but all my mother told me was the things that were wrong with it, and after years and years of my parents pointing out every wrong note and every wrong pitch it is so frustrating.

I wanted to light the music on fire. I was so angry because I love that song, I really do...

Then my mom started complaining because she spends all this money on my music for no reason, and it made me mad because she was saying music wasn't worth it unless you go into it for a living, and that's such crap, music is the best emotional release in the universe that is healthy.

And she was talking about money... saying I shouldn't go to MIT. Screw her. I'll go to MIT and get a scholarship. She was saying I never say thank you... thankfully my dad did come to my defense on that one, as I do say thank you quite frequently.

I was practicing too... practicing so her money didn't go to waste... my mom was saying that with my mental illness I won't be able to handle MIT. That's not true either. I'm not giving up on my freaking dream because my mom says I can't handle it. I know what I can and can't handle.

I couldn't believe she was saying I shouldn't play tennis and do debate and play music because I'm not going to do them for a living... they are why I survive. I can't believe she wants to take away my dreams and the things that really matter to me.

Then she said, "it's just that I give and give and give to other people and I never get any time to myself." And it's true, because she always has to be with my aunt, who is still totally dependent on her. I don't know how she does it, I would have had a major mental breakdown by now.

But I guess that's what it all came down to. She gave herself away in that sentence. She's jealous. She resents me because my life revolves around myself. Am I selfish? No. I've just spent my whole life trying to make her happy. Now, I am finally learning to take care of myself, something I guess she never learned.

I don't know what to do. In the old days, I would go hate myself for failing to make her happy. Now, I recognize there's nothing I can do to make her happy, and really nothing I can do to show her that she's the one that's not giving enough to herself. There's no way I am responsible for her jealousy and resentment. So I don't want to just stop trying to help myself and drop everything and try to make her happy, because I'm always a failure, and that only results in pain.

I don't know. I'm just happy I'm finally making myself happy. I don't know what to do about her. I need to stop letting her get to me. I feel miserable right now, like she's taken my whole life and told me it's useless and pointless and selfish.