It's horrible days like these when everything seems to go wrong that remind me of how right things usually go, no matter how put-upon I feel.

First off, I was supposed to be at the school at 6:02 a.m for our belated mole day, to get extra credit which I very much need in chemistry. I totally forgot. I slept until my usual time of 5:45. And I need that extra credit! I keep doing well on the tests but it's frustrating because I don't really understand what I'm doing.

Then, after orchestra, I was talking to my friend Erin. I was really mad about being put in the very back of the cello section, and anger drives me to do stupid things. I don't usually say bad things about people behind their back, I think it is a lowly form of cowardice, but I resorted to it today. I told my friend that I was definitely better than the first chair cello player and that I didn't like her. And then we turned the corner and realized she was right behind us. We weren't sure for how long... we'd gone on to talk about some meaningless junk, but she might have heard me, and I can't live with that possibility. So I beat myself up about it all day. It was a cowardly thing of me to do. I don't really dislike the girl either, and I'm not sure if she's better than me. I just spoke out of anger, without thinking. And now I am paying for it. I rarely gossip (well at least bad things) about people, but when I do I am always reminded of how pathetic a thing it is to do.
So I am going to do the only thing I can do, what I know I have to do. It is going to really suck and being really hard to do, but I like to think I have some sort of honor and compassion still intact even if I did do something horrible like I did. So tomorrow I will go to the girl and tell her that whether she heard me or not, I said some things about her that weren't true and that I didn't mean, and I really regret it, and I'm going to apologize profusely to her. And maybe she will still be hurt and hate me (I deserve it), but she deserves an explanation and an apology. It's going to be so hard though... and if she didn't hear me it will make things worse, but I just can't live with the possibility that she did hear me and I did nothing.

Then I found out that Matt is going on a date tomorrow with the x-girlfriend of my x-boyfriend, this boy I went out with a few years ago who is still my friend, and I already didn't like her because she stole Christian, my x-boyfriend from a few years ago, from my friend Anne, who was very in love last year. So I already don't like her and now I have to deal with these odd pangs of jealousy. It's weird, how I have moved on and have another boyfriend, but I don't want Matt to move on. It's very selfish of me. Anyway, I hope she screws him so he gets what he wants. Or maybe I hope she doesn't so their relationship will shatter too.

I don't understand why I'm so bitter today. I suppose I can just hope for a different mindset tomorrow.