Today was semi-good semi-bad. I apologized to that girl. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's easy to say sorry to someone for something you said to their face. Somehow it's way worse when you said it behind their back. My breathing was really irregular and I was really shaky for an hour before and after.
She hadn't heard me. But I'm glad I apologized. I couldn't have done anything else. I hope she doesn't dislike me now becuase she knows I said something mean about her, but at least I know I did the right thing. That really matters to me... doing the right thing. I really, really try to.

Yesterday I told my friend Emma about what happened and how badly I felt because I knew it would hurt me to hear something mean about myself and she said, "I wouldn't feel bad, I'd just think at least I'm not the only bitch who talks about people behind their backs." And I love Emma to bits, but that's where we're really different.

Today also my good friend Siobhan was getting mad at me about everything I said and it was really frustrating and hurtful because I didn't do anything to provoke her anger. I think it's funny when she gets really mad over stupid little things, but I did feel badly when she was being mean to me and I felt bad that she was angry with me. I really want to do something, act differently somehow, so that doesn't happen. I feel like I must be doing something wrong, but I can't figure out what it is. It isn't fun to be around someone you know loves you dearly but who is acting like she hates you.

I don't know...

I thought a lot today about sex, and whether I have really lost my virginity. I don't think so. I know I did physically, but it seems to me that losing your virginity is different. Losing your virginity is losing your innocense, and I don't believe I lost my innocence because of abuse. I believe I lost my innocence the first day I started abusing. Myself, mainly. Some poor little abused kid is still innocent. A self-injuring twelve year old is not. So I'm angry now about what I did. I started hurting myself partly because I thought I'd lost my innocence, but now I've realized that only hurting myself did that.

It feels good to be able to eat now, but I still feel slightly out of control and I really would like to lose five pounds but I'm not going to revert to bulimia to do it. I'm going to try to do it the healthy way. I know I'm not totally done with bulimia though because three years ago we had these bracelets with wax in them burned onto our arms at church, and we were supposed to make a goal and only take them off when we'd accomplished it. Well, back then I was really into the eating disorder, so I made a goal to beat it. And right now part of me wants to get some scissors and cut it off. But part of me won't let go and still needs it.

I also decided today that I hope I don't go to heaven. My religion talks about heaven being this perfect place where there is no sadness and everything is beautiful. And sure I want to be happy. But how will I understand how wonderful being happy feels if I never feel sadness? How will I ever appreciate my ability to heal if I never scrape my knees or get hurt? What is absolute, what one has invariably, one takes for granted. Beauty is nothing without contrast. I've believed for years that heaven will be a wonderful place. I'm starting to realize that my heaven is all around me... that the world I live in is the best heaven there is, because of extremes, because of contrast, because the only way to truly appreciate anything is to have lost it at some point. So I am slightly nervous that this is sacrilige, but I don't want to die or go to heaven or hell. Everything I value is rooted in life.