Things have been dissolving around the homefront lately. My mother is still extremely mad at me for telling my counselor about her hitting me, and she's still extremely mad at my counselor for calling social services, and it's all coming up again, and she's beeing horrible to me... I feel so guilty and angry and frustrated all at the same time.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK TO DO! I WANT TO BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER! I WANT TO MAKE HER HAPPY! I WANT TO BE THE THINGS THAT HOLDS US TOGETHER!

I can't handle this. I feel like such a failure. She hates me for what I did, and I have to face the reality that she may be mad at me for the rest of her life, may never get over that bitterness.

I'm so tired of never being good enough for anyone... I'm so tired of being told by my parents to stop being angry, but I am angry, I am angry because they won't forgive me for saving myself.

FOR GOD'S FREAKING SAKE WHAT DO I DO TO MAKE YOU HAPPY????????? HOW CAN I EVER BE THE DAUGHTER YOU WANT???????? HOW CAN I EVER MAKE YOU REALIZE I'M SORRY I TURNED YOU IN? I'M SORRY BUT I WILL NOT REGRET IT, NOT FOR A SECOND, NOT FOR AN INSTANT BECAUSE IT MEANS MY CHILDREN WILL HAVE SOMETHING BETTER THAN I HAD AND YOU HAD AND GRANDMA HAD AND HER MOM HAD!!!

I REFUSE TO REGRET WHAT I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE TO MYSELF FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME, AND I STILL CAN'T LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS! WHY CAN'T YOU LET THE PAST GO? WHY CAN'T YOU FORGIVE ME? WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY AND NOT EXPECT THE IMPOSSIBLE FROM ME????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH GOSH WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET ME BE!!!!!

I'm so angry... there is always something unger anger. I'm so hurt. All this pain inside me... I just wanted to be good enough... oh gosh I failed.