complicated...

So we were on the bus, three feet away from my debate coach, and he french kissed me, and there were about five seconds that I was in my body... in which I thought a few things... 1. I am being french kissed 2. I'm chewing gum 3. This doesn't taste like anything 4. I'm not ready for this...
And then I was gone, dissociated, floating away and disconnecting. After about twenty seconds I came back to my body and started laughing, because everything was so screwed up, that I was being kissed for the first time, that I was chewing gum, that his mouth didn't taste like anything, that Amanda was three feet away, that I couldn't handle it. I started laughing because I couldn't cry, but it was the same response. I cried later, in bed.
And Amanda asked me, as we got off the bus, "are you okay?" and I said yes but I wasn't... I was slowly slipping away and floating off into the sky. And Matt's arms were around me, and it was wonderful, it was everything I'd always dreamed of, but it was also hellish and I wanted to cry and I was numb and going into shock.
And I came home and sat in bed and stared at the ceiling but not really at the ceiling through it because I was so far away... and I couldn't sleep. And I spent all day today trying to work things out in my head, floating farther and farther away from the world, disconnecting myself, shutting off the pain, cutting my legs with razor blades.
And I've decided I can't handle this, and I need to be honest with him, and tell him the truth... first of all that I don't want to do anything serious until I am sixteen because that is the age at which my religion allows me to date and I really do want to follow my religion... second of all that even then I'm going to have to take it slowly. And maybe he won't want to wait or go slowly, but if he's as wonderful as I think he is he will, and if he really does love me he will. I don't wnat our relationship to be entirely based on lust and sexual passion. I didn't feel any sort of sexual desire when he kissed me. Probably because I was in shock... also because I was being a masochist again... also because I just wanted to cut myself off from the world and any sort of emotion.
I think that with Matt's help though eventually I can have a good relationship with him, if he's willing to help me...