enlightening conversations

After debate, I had nowhere to go until I had to teach my violin lesson at 6, so Brittany and I were just kind of standing around in the hallway, tossing this bouncy ball Amanda gave us back and forth and talking about a lot of things.
I don't know why, but I can talk to her easily about some things that everyone else laughs at me when I try to talk to them. But I'm never actually that serious with her... I don't really understand our relationship. Anyway, we talked about how in middle school we may have hated the popular people but we secretly tried to emulate them, and about how now in high school we'd rather kill ourselves than be like the "sluts" that used to be popular in middle school. We talked about how I used to think everything was just a race to get kissed, but now I'm realizing it's a lot more complicated than that. In fact, I think Amanda has the right idea not having a relationship until she's 21. I would've thought, a year ago, that she'd lost that race... now I realize she was just smart. And if I hadn't fallen in love with Matt I might do that. I didn't intend to fall in love with him, but here I am, in love.
I talked to Brittany about how it's hard, loving him, how the whole relationship thing makes me feel suffocated and claustrophobic, but I'm working on it, and working on believing him when he says I am beautiful and brilliant and amazing and one-of-a-kind (which he tells me every day). I talked to her about how although it is frightening, this loving and trusting thing, it's worth it.
How crazy that after never completely trusting anyone my whole life, in the course of a month I have fallen in love with a boy and given all my trust to my debate coach. It's crazy how life happens.
Perhaps our most interesting conversation over that bouncy ball was about homosexuality. I think it's become less of a taboo topic in high school, and now that I see it around me, it is something I've thought a lot about. Brittany and I agreed that everyone at some point wonders if they're gay, and that everyone has some degree of lesbianism in them (well, every girl), but that ultimately straight people realize they can't imagine being romantically involved with another girl. We talked about how sometimes friendships get really close, and it's confusing, that line between lesbian and friendly relationship. Like the closest thing I've ever had to a lesbian relationship was with a very close friend. It's confusing trying to draw a line. Shauna says this line is stupid... all humans crave touch. But I can't imagine kissing a girl and I don't think I could be capable of doing it without feeling some degree of revulsion, just because I'm not gay.
Brittany and I talked about how it might be easier being a lesbian, because guys seem to think about sex far more than girls, and to expect it, or to at least ponder it, in any relationship, while girls don't have relationships just for those sexual/sensual aspects. It would be easy to be a lesbian because girls are understanding, and sensitive, and you could have the best of both worlds... a sensitive, understanding girl who completely understands you, and a sexual relationship not entirely based on some horny guy's hormoines.
Obviously I don't approve of homosexuality, and I would never remain homosexual if I discovered I was, but it is a gray area in my life and I'm still not really sure what I believe about it. For sure I'm tolerant of people that are homosexual and okay with it. I just don't think I would ever be able to morally or physically do it myself.
On another note, we had to run the mile today and my time has lengthened by two minutes since early October- I got 9:05. But it was hard since I'm in bad shape and I haven't run since early October. I had an asthma attack and I think I'm getting pneumonia again.