It feels like everything is ending. The snow, maybe, is the catalyst. The cold. I want to sleep it all away.
I want to believe that things do not have to fall apart. I don't want to lose it all. I want to fight it, fight it the way I never have before. I am a different person now. I want to hold on. I cannot let go. Things cannot fall apart like this.
I am mad at her. She is probably in actuality my best friend, as she is the only one who has cared about me lately. But I don't know. She did this to me. I trusted her completely. I never, even towards the end, even as she was crying on the phone, would have guessed it.
Why? I asked. A part of me didn't want to know, because I knew that Shauna would be honest, and I knew that if I knew why I could forgive her. A part of me wanted to maintain that anger before the hurt came.
"Because of my dad," she said, "because of the affair. I know you won't believe this. He was always saying this to me but I didn't believe it. But it's true. It wasn't about you. It really wasn't. I wanted to know what he felt like when he did it. I wanted the adrenaline."
Have we all used each other this perversely?
There is a difference, as well, in a extra-marrital affair that ends in the ruination of a marriage and kissing a boy I had just barely broken up with. I guess Matt was reeling. I guess he thought that Shauna would have sex with him, be everything that I was plus that. But he still loved me as he did it. And now Shauna used me and used him and Matt used Shauna and didn't respect me and this is where we are left, here, in this ruination of it all.

I keep telling myself things don't have to fall apart. But things are falling away. Petals off of a rose you try to keep for too long...

I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack

I felt sick the whole time. Does that count for something? I watched the blood pouring out, I dissociated from the pain. It was a punishment, not release. It was an obligation to go deeper. But the whole time I felt like throwing up. That counts for something.

All today and yesterday the urges that had finally gone away came back though. I feel suicidal at the moment. I want to disappear for a while.
I don't want it to end like this... I don't want to lose it all like this...