I went to a movie with Olivia and then to a party. The guy in the movie ("Elizabethtown") was suicidal, and it triggered me somewhat, so throughout the movie I was just thinking of ways to kill myself. I haven't taken my meds in a bit, and I can definitely tell. I really feel like hurting myself right now, maybe even killing myself. Anyway, Orlando Bloom was the main guy in the movie and he is really, really, REALLY hot, makes a girl hate Kirstin Dunst... I didn't really care what the movie was about (although it was really good) as long as I could look at his face.
The part was fun. I felt a bit disconnected though. As usual. A bunch of people were there. I just sat next to Shauna, her arm through mine, her gloved hand on my knee. I really do forgive her. It makes me sad to think of how much she was hurting.

I WANT SOMEONE TO TOUCH ME. I want someone to hug me so hard it hurts. Nobody ever touches me besides Shauna, I suppose because I act like I don't want to be touched and I never touch anyone. But for some reason I crave touch... it makes me feel normal (except from my family- I don't like them touching me). That's part of the reason why I love being with Shauna: when I'm with her, she makes me feel like I was sexually abused by touching me, although I still don't really return it.

I WANT PEOPLE TO NOTICE ME. I'm hurting. I really am falling apart. I think that I'm just a f*ck up. I've lost it all. I've cut like three times. I was quite close to some half-hearted suicide attempt today that I probably would have failed because I'm a failure at life and a failure at death. I'm so depressed and I'm angry and I hate myself for being such an amazing and complete failure. I want someone to see I'm not okay. I want someone to stop acting like everything's fine. I want someone to notice me.

A part of me is still insisting that I'm better than this, that I can be happy... such a pathetic little part screaming, "LIFE IS MORE THAN THIS"...