GOSH why is everyone such an f-ing jerk? Why is everyone so lost? Why can't I help people? Why can't I look in the mirror and accept that I suck? Isn't it just making it worse to pretend there is hope? Why do I even try, now when I am almost positive it's all a head game I play with myself? Why do we debate? We lose, we cry, we cut, we hate ourselves... and my gosh we're hopelessly addicted to the thrill of it.

I drank Starbucks to punish myself. I needed something to hate myself for that was more concrete than the way I was feeling. I still don't feel guilty. If there had been pot I would have smoked it. If there had been cocaine I would have snorted it. If there had been heroin I would have shot up. If there had been alcohol I would have drank it.

What do they call this, this disintegration of beliefs? Why do I not care anymore what God thinks? I don't want to die, but I know a part of me must and must not care, otherwise I wouldn't do the things I've done in the past few days.

I need to pull it all together. I need to recover.