automatic writing

I think that's what it's called. I do it occasionally. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like on The Sixth Sense when the boy just sits down and writes without thinking about it. Well, the day before yesterday I did that and was amazed at what came out of me... I won't write it here because it's this really graphic, really sad sorry of some girl's father raping her.
BUT...
I just found this automatic writing I did this summer and it broke my heart (this may not be exactly what it says, as I was so angry that I can barely read my writing. The "she" is me):
She feels like she needs it best therapist of them all an empty stomach a gaping cut she thinks she can't cope with life without pain
she is scared when she's with him at how easy it would be to open up like a flower
she thinks that by burying herself in the cuts she can make the world slide away she wants drugs and alcohol and she thinks she can somehow live without it she thinks she can beat it she's so stupidly optimistic

She couldn't let go of the past, couldn't stop hating herself in a small corner of her mind for things she knows she couldn't control but she should have been able to she should have been able to let go she has no control she can't even be angry or sad without screwing up she cared too much about too many people that hurt her and she let them because she's a masochist and has to hurt herself has to throw up practically die doesn't know how to be happy and she's selfish and angry and she doesn't even know it and she sits there like a bottle and hurts the people that never hurt her and can't let go of the people that did
and she's stupid and incapable she should have been able to hold her family together and she exists so they can hurt her and she deserved getting raped and beaten and she won't let go of the stupid idea that maybe there is something in her that deserves to live maybe she shouldn't have been able to stop her brother from doing drugs and maybe she is smart and beautiful and she won't let go of that idea even though it is stupid STUPID STUPID

This stuff I wrote interests me because first off I didn't even realize I was thinking those things until I had written them, and second off it really accurately depicts my thought processes: I am angry, I hate myself, I feel guilty and stupid and selfish, but no matter how angry and depressed and self-hating I get there is this part of me that loves me, that believes it wasn't my fault, that will NOT LET GO. This part usually annoys me at the time, but when I look back I realize that that is the part of me that embodies all of my hope.

So my advice: do automatic writing. If you do it correctly, stuff will come out of you that you didn't even know you felt. Just sit down and disconnect your mind from your pen and just write nonstop for ten minutes. Some of it will be crap at first, but you'll be surprized at how honest you can be when you are not thinking. It's a very good way to learn to understand yourself.