OH FU*K. I HATE LIFE.
talked to Matt. He still loves me I still love him.
Why can't you go farther?
WHY CAN'T I?
I don't know. F-religion. F-everything. But what happened... I froze not because of religion. I froze because of what has happened to me in the past.
(I still won't wear the bras I was wearing those few days).
I'm really angry right now. I've been really emotional and hypomanic the last few days, not really sleeping, so I was bound to crash.
Why did I have to be abused? Why am I Mormon? Why do I have to believe in it? Why can't I just have sex and have it be okay?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
I can't just have sex. I can't. I will fall apart.
I hate myself for being dependent. So much f-ing responsibility in the world. Nobody deserves any of it.
Could I just do it? I miss him so much. I know I shouldn't. I don't believe in it religiously. I don't think I could handle it emotionally. But a part of me wants to...