Dear Matt,
This is a letter you will never read. I'm so mad at you right now. I wish I could do something to hurt you without feeling guilty. But I would feel guilty becuase I know the part of you that still loves me, that still wants me, that always respected me. But I hate the other part of you. I hate it with all that I am.
I hate you because:
1. You decided sex was more important than our relationship. You said kissing wasn't different enough from just friends. My God what happened to you? You're not the boy I kissed on a bus last January who held me when I was scared my life was falling apart. You are... gone. You've f-c-ed everything up. Are you satisfied? Now none of us have what we want. I know you love me. I know you cared about me. But you took advantage of me in a way. You asked for something I wouldn't give you.
2. You hurt one of my best friends. You swore she was the solution to all the problems I had left you with. You went out with her a week and kissed her and the whole time you just talked about how you still loved me. You thought she'd have sex with you I suppose but she's not any more ready to have sex than I am... and I don't think you are either. We're still kids, Matt. Sex is more special than that. As much as I hate sex, I swear it is better than what you are making it out to be.
3. You got my friend stuck in something she didn't want to be in. She felt guilty for months, Matt. She said she felt like throwing up whenever she saw me. She couldn't be with me. She didn't do anything horrible wrong for going out with you for a week after I'd broken up with you. But you did something wrong in using her, using her for sex, using her to talk about me when you should have just valued her. You didn't value either of us for what we are. You took so much for granted. I hope you've lost it all now.
4. You are coming back to me. You never quit loving me. The hardest part is that I know that that's true... you went on about it to Shauna. I can see it in the way that I look at you. You are doing this to me when I was finally getting over you. You are making me want to make you happy. You don't deserve it. You don't deserve it Matt when you screw with people's emotoins like that. No matter how much you beg me now you don't deserve me.
5. You used me for a while towards the end there... you did something to me sexually that you knew I didn't want and couldn't prevent. You took advantage of me. You loved me. You didn't love me enough to care that I can't have sex with you. We are too young. I've been through too much. It's not worth it. You used Shauna. I don't doubt that you liked her as well, but it's not fair to go out with someone when you're still in love with someone else. It wasn't fair to just talk about me to Shauna. Do you have any frickin clue how guilty she felt and feels? Do you feel guilty? And now you want me back... how am I supposed to know you've changed? How am I supposed to know you are not using me again?
6. I still love you. Yes, I hate you because I still love you. Because I know that in spite of your selfishness lately, you are also caring and kind... in spite of your manipulation, I know you love me. And I still love you. Past all of the horrible things you've done. Past all of the anger I feel towards you. I STILL LOVE YOU. And you still love me. But it's too late, Matt. The kind of girls you want aren't ready for sex and you don't deserve them. You don't deserve Shauna and you don't deserve me. I would almost have sex with you. I would almost believe you that you've changed and know what you want now. But I won't. You've screwed everything up too badly to fix it now.
Oh gosh I freaking hate you!
You know how screwed up things are now? You know how miserable you feel now that I won't take you and Shauna won't go any farther than I will? We feel ten times worse than that... because it's all about sex to you... I KNOW THAT YOU LOVE ME. I know that you care about me. I know that deep down inside you want what is best for me. But more than that you are selfish. You were right yesterday when you said you don't deserve me anymore. Look at all that you've broken.
In the end Shauna decided that it was me she cared about, and I have decided that it is her. I love her as a friend in a way I cannot love you right now. I am angry with her for not telling me about all of this until now, to tell me not to take you back. She said she knows that you care about me still, it's not that you're using me and don't care about me, it's that you're using me and care about yourself more. And in the end I care more about her and you hurt her. More than I will ever be angry at her I am angry at you.
You know I don't hate you, Matt. I love you. I love you the way Shauna never will. The way you love me, the love that could have worked out if you weren't so selfish.
I love you but I'm mad as hell at you.
-Lindsay