AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've gained two pounds. I feel like screaming. I don't understand. I'm eating 1000 calories a day and running three miles.
Yesterday I was so frusterated, so mad. I took four laxatives. I went outside to run. I ran so hard, so fast. I was just thinking how mad I was at everything. At myself for being ugly and fat and gaining weight, for breaking my word, for being incapable of beating this eating disorder, for being a hypocrite, for being miserable when I so want to be happy.
I've lost the weight again, in fact now I've lost a pound after the purge, but who knows if it will stay off? I HATE FOOD I HATE BEING HUMAN!
Matt gave me this thing going on about how beautiful I am and everything, and I just can't see that... when I look in the mirror I just see myself, fat and ugly. Everyone says that's wrong, but I've fooled the world before. My eyes are fully functional... what I objectively see cannot be inaccurate. Mom says I just won't allow myself to be beautiful because of the abuse. That's crap. I'd love being beautiful. I'm just... not.
Why did I have to live in America where everything is so messed up and hypocritical and about weight and calories????!!!!!!!!!
I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING, or breaking something.