numb

I'm about to throw up again. I took the pills. It's almost surreal to me. I can't actually imagine the pink capsules dissolving in my stomach acid, essentially poisoning me. I can feel it, in the way my stomach is pressing up my throat, the way I'm hot and feel everything I always feel after an overdose. But it can't possibly be real.
I'm not mad at myself. I don't hate myself. I'm just in shock. I'm numb. I wouldn't have believed it was humanly possible to ever be this much of a failure. My parents aren't failures. My brother isn't. I wonder what's wrong with me? I really want to know.
In fact, at the moment, I don't feel anything, except numb, apathetic, and nauseous. I'm not sure why. I'm guessing I should, that most normal human beings would. But I don't.
I don't understand why I can't handle gaining weight. I don't understand why I'm even gaining weight at all. I weigh 110. I am goliath. Monolithic. I'm eating 800 calories a day and I've gained ten pounds in two months. Why?
I know this has to stop. This has to be the last time. This can't go on. I'll give my medicine to my parents to control. I don't care what I do, I just have to do something. This cannot happen again. None of this. None of the drugs. Nothing.
I can't believe how much of a failure I am.