Confusion

I'm writing a lot today, but I'm in one of my philosophical, confused moods. I'm really confused at the moment, so I'm going to try to express what's going through my mind at the speed of light.
Essentially, things feel violent. There's nothing in my life at the moment even remotely violent, I have not been violent in any way in a very long time, but I keep remembering in fourth grade when the bird got loose out of its cage in our classroom, and our classroom had so many windows, and over and over again the bird just kept smashing into the windows. I felt like throwing up or crying. I've been hit, I've been raped, I've been hurt by so many people, but that day in fourth grade, and that bird, is the most violent thing I have ever seen. Because it was so senseless. So cruel.
That's how I'm feeling right now. And a lot of things are flashing in my mind. Shauna's eyes. She said, "You seem so distant". Most people at school tell me that. There are very few people I can be myself around. Olivia, sometimes. Brittany, Amanda, Matt. I'm not quite sure exactly why I am so introverted and disconnected the rest of the time, but I am. I've drifted away. In fact it's hard to think about kissing Matt, to believe I actually did it, was able to do it, was in that moment, in my seat, that I was alive and tasted the mint in his mouth. It doesn't seem like I'd be capable of it. But I was. My therapist was really excited when I told her that.
And I'm confused because of all the people, kids I've known since sixth grade, or like Olivia, my best friend since I was seven, or Kristin, who I've known since i was four... out all of all these people, Brittany, who I just barely met, knows me the best. I don't know how or why, but I know she is an amazingly good person. And... she listens to me. I think that's what it is. Nobody else is truly (well besides Amanda and Matt of course) willing to listen to my philosophical babbling and psychological hypothesis and political ideas. Nobody else seems to care about having intellectual conversations. Because Brittany has, she has gotten to know a part of me that only Matt and her and Amanda know, because nobody else has ever bothered to listen. I'm usually listening to them. Many of my relationships with my friends are all one-sided. They talk to me about themselves. With Brittany, I can talk about everything... the entire world, and I know she'll listen, and think, and talk back. Somehow, when I'm talking to people about morality and ethics and hard issues, I can understand myself better. Although I have decided that my political philosophy is simply to oppose issues. I have analyzed so many situations... Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, the UK, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, India, everything, and I've decided there are no good decisions made by the US government, because they seem to be simply made on what makes the president more popular, not on morals or pragmatics like they should be or claim to be. So I have decided I'm simply anti-issues. I can have my own form of government, Lindsayism, in which we oppose all issues. It would never work of course, but it seems to be where I have ended up politically... at a dead end. There seems to be no right or wrong left in the world. This have gotten so twisted and messed up.
I don't understand the world, and I'm so confused. It seems odd that, considering the amount of time and effort I put into trying to figure the universe out, I have simply come upon the conclusion that there are no real answers besides those based on faith. For example, I know that my relgion is true because I feel it within me. But things that I should also know are true, things about elements or politics or anything, end up being differentiable.
Anyway, I won't go on, because I could go on and on, analyzing the entire world, everything in it, etc., but that would be pointless because I'd just end up back here, anti-issues, confused and unknowing.