fighting (for the first time in a while)

I feel like purging right now very much, but I'm fighting the compulsion with all that I am. It's very late, so it's no use calling anyone... they're all asleep. So I guess this is it... my first test. I talked to my therapist today about how we're going to fix the bulimia. She says I may need to see a dietician once, but either way we need to start planning meals and calories. And try to plan what to do when I get that emotionally empty feeling right before I binge.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL THE WOMEN OF AMERICA THAT NO AMOUNT OF BIG MACS OR ICE CREAM SUNDAES CAN TAKE AWAY THAT EMPTINESS THEY FEEL.
Anyway, I sort of binged tonight. I think I had a total of 1000 calories today, which is more than usual. I'm fighting the thoughts, the voice telling me that's way too much, I need to purge, but it's hard. I think I'm strong enough though. I just wish it wasn't the middle of the night so I could get myself help.
I went to Shauna's surprize birthday party at Ellie's house. There were a bunch of Shauna's girl friends there, and Matt, Pat, and Amo. Pat's in love with Shauna, but Shauna really likes Amo and I'm pretty sure he likes her, they just have a lack of communication.
Anyway, it was really fun we played "honey if you love me then please, please smile" for like an hour until it turned more into a contest of who could act the most like a prostitute, crawling on people and such to get them to smile. I did Matt, and got in his lap, and it was okay, and I did Shauna, and it was okay, but those were the only two there I was really confident in touching. Shauna was doing me and I was staring out the window, and someone said you have to look in her eyes, and I did, and it was the first time I looked in her eyes in months, since things all went to Hell. And Shauna turned around and said, "Oh, God, we can't do this" (direct quote, I'm not using the Lord's name in vain), but then she said, "Yes we can," and she turned around, and I looked in her eyes, and I ended up smiling but that's not what matters. The point is, in that moment, we realized we'd allowed ourselves to be scared of repeating the past, and it had torn us apart, and we decided we wanted to be good friends again, because we're both more stable now.
After I dropped Matt off at about midnight, and it was just me and Shauna in the car, we talked a lot about the past, and the present. Basically, we both realize what happened about two years ago was a big mistake on both of our parts, and we regret it, and we learned from it, and we're far more stable and emotionally ready for a friendship now, and we're going to start doing more together again. I love her so much, and I think she understands some things about me nobody else will.
When I looked in her eyes tonight, everything from two years ago came flooding back. And my gosh I can't believe how much I missed her in that instant. More, I think, than I've ever missed anyone.
Anyway, I'm going to go to bed now, continue fighting the urge to throw up or take laxatives.