Maybe I'm just having a weak moment, and I'm not going to go cut myself, but right now, today, I don't want to quit. I love the pain, I love the feeling, I love the control, I love the crazy adrenaline rush of seriously hurting yourself. It's not madness, it's a desire to feel, because the world has made me numb. My parents will never understand it, even my therapist never will. It's partly masochism but goes past that. I enjoy the cutting and the pain. It doesn't take courage. It doesn't hurt the way accidental injuries do. I don't cry as I do it. It doesn't even necessarily have to be emotional anymore, as it is a simple connection to the body I feel like doesn't belong to me, isn't real, isn't mine.
Pain is my pleasure, my joy, my reality. I don't know any happiness outside of the steel slip of something sharp in my skin.
Terrified? Yeah, I'm terrified of quitting. Because I want the cutting. I need it. It's not an addiction, it's a choice. Is it wrong to allow someone to continue living if you know they're hurting themselves, if it's simply the lifestyle they choose to live? What if I choose, not as a coping mechanism, not as an addiction, not as anything really connected to any significant emotion at all but rather to numbness, to masochism, to live my life as a cutter? What's so wrong with cutting?
I get the feeling I need to see something wrong with cutting before I can ever condemn it, ever think it is bad, and ever even think about permanantly quitting.
As for the bulimia, I want to stop abusing drugs, I find no joy in that, but I want to be thin. And I don't know how to be as thin as I want and not be doing something to make it happen. Maybe I can learn though. I do believe it's possible for me to live without my eating disorder. But without the cutting?
I just don't know. I'm not a freak to like pain. It's just part of me. And there is an aesthetic beauty to blood and dissociation and self-inflicted wounds.
Call me crazy. I don't freaking care. I love self-injury and I don't want to quit.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment