Ranting

I was so frusterated today. I was going to the store to buy strawberries when I cracked. I started sobbing, hitting the steering wheel. Sadly this just tends to make loud noises (who knew?) and attract angry attention to me. Stupid horns, why do they have to be right where you feel like punching? Anyway, as I was sobbing, I also realized I was speeding (why is it that with anger comes slamming down the gas pedal?), and I wondered what a police officer would think if he happened to pull me over, which he wouldn't have because I was only going 30 in a 25, but if one had, it would have been entertaining, me all sobbing, him/her thinking I was probably going to some funeral or something, me telling him I was on my way to the store to buy strawberries.
But I was frusterated about being exhausted, about being what I consider overweight, about America and the stigma placed on food and eating, and how much I just hate the whole mess, and wish I wasn't human, wish I didn't have to eat. I told my mom I was frusterated (this is a big step, talking to her), and I may end up going to a dietician for one session, just to try to be okay with eating.
Here's essentially how I'm feeling, it's a rant I wrote a few weeks ago and posted on a forum:

someone needs to tell the women of america that no amount of big macs or ice cream sundaes can take away the emptiness they feel!!! Struggling with bulimia, I am continually annoyed by the hypocrisy of our nation. Everything is so incredibly freaking convoluted and messed up. The media tells us we need to be anorexically thin, and many of us are convinced of it, and ruin our lives with diet pills and laxatives and this burning, unsurmountable desire to weigh nothing, to be less than air. That is what I have observed in myself and others, anyway. The rest of American women (I'm singling out women specifically, but a lot of this is also applicable to men) are mostly overweight, either slightly or significantly, from years of greasy foods like Mc Donald's or Dairy Queen, and a perpetual lack of self-control that's not really their fault. I am familiar with that lack though. Being bulimic, nearly every time I binge I know I am going to do it before I do. That doesn't necessarily mean I have the control to prevent it, but it means I recognize the signs; essentially that I always feel empty, emotionally. And as I am eating, there is no control, but only the feeling that somehow maybe if I eat enough I won't feel empty inside anymore. I feel this is also true for many women in America. They are not bulimic or anorexic, but surely their eating patterns are not healthy either. They struggle with diets and not eating fastfood, but crack at midnight and stuff plates of cookies in their mouths. They don't mean to be hypocrites, but look at our society! We live in a place where we turn on the tv and see models so thin you can count their ribs for one commercial, and very next shows us large pictures of tasty looking hamburgers with colossal amounts of calories. Having an eating disorder, I feel like I'm more aware of this whole screwed up system than most. It's pathetic. It's not fair. It's exploitive. I'm sick of it and I hate it. I want to move to Japan where people are healthy and eat rice and fish.

I've grown to be so repulsed just by eating, and how corrupted and screwed up it gets. I hate it. I wish I didn't need food. I wish I could eat without all those strings attatched.