Lots of things

"I know you're bulimic," she said on Sunday, in the kitchen, and for a second, right before the universe blew open, I could see everything hanging from a thread in my heart: Matt, Amanda hugging me, Shea leaning against the wall in her sunglasses, my guts cramping, my mom hitting me, my dad crying, that feeling you get before throwing up, my brother being mad at my dad for overdosing, me alone in a big, dark room, the gash in my arm. It was as if everything from forever had been hanging, seeded, within me, and had been crystalizing for years into a colossal chandelier of secrets I'd kept inside of me forever.
I saw all this, in the kitchen, for an instant. It was horribly beautiful, reflecting every color. But I hated it with all that I was. For the first time ever, I let go of everything. It fell in slow motion, reflecting what little light there was left in my life, before shattering.
I sobbed for the first time in months. Flashes of everything were lighting up my mind. Debate, Amanda at nationals, Hannah, sleeping until it all went away; Lightning strikes of memories and emotions I'd tried to ignore and repress. Pain, guilt, anger, but most of all a hopeless, desperate confusion.
I let my mom hug me then, for the first time in a long time. I cried on her shoulder. All the darkness and monsters were escaped from the chandelier, dancing out in the open. And I was glad, because I could deal with them there.
Amanda said, "everything's going to be okay." Maybe it is. I still have a lot of problems when I try to talk to my mom. We usually end up yelling at each other. But we're trying and I guess that's what counts.
So my life is going to be hard for a while. My mom essentially said, this is your last chance. Stop taking laxatives, stop throwing up, stop cutting, and we won't put you in residential treatment. But this is it. She says I have to stop choosing to hurt myself. I guess she's right. I guess it's time to fix things.
I'm so sick of being weak. I really want to be strong. It's hard, to start eating. My mom says she'll start cooking weight watchers stuff. I don't have to eat a lot, but I have to eat enough for my body to not consume itself, and I can't throw up or take laxatives.
I'm going to try. I really, truly am. Maybe now that I can get the help I need, it'll be okay. Relations are a bit... tense... with my parents right now, but I'm really trying to talk to them. I realize I need to start talking to people that have the power to help me fix things.
On a different note, Shea and Amanda talked to my counselor today, and it was very anticlimatic. She was in the middle of some luncheon. (Teachers seem to have one of those every day). It was funny, because after all this drama, we get to this anticlimatic moment and for a second Shea and Amanda looked at each other and didn't know what to say. I guess the luncheon threw them off. Finally Amanda told her that she's worried I might be a risk to myself or something. The counselor made me come in alone sixth period. I told her I was having trouble taking my meds, but my parents were helping me. She wants to see Amanda on Friday. I'm glad Amanda is out of legal danger.
I'm talking to Brittany right now on IM, about depression and stuff. She has this facade of apathy, but it's just that- a facade. She said she was really depressed and suicidal in sixth grade. It's funny how easy it is to talk to her. Becuase i know that no matter what I say, she'll still think I'm a good person.
I think my mom read part of this blog. Before I figured that out, the brief possibility that Amanda told her this stuff crossed my mind. But the miraculous thing is I didn't even need to think about it. I dismissed it immediately. I know there's no chance in Hell that Amanda would do that. I trust her completely and absolutely.
It's an odd feeling, this trusting thing. I've been thinking about it all afternoon. It's frightening, but I am savoring it. It feels good. Even though it is throwing all caution to the winds, I feel safe. Because I know Amanda would never break my trust.
I've never actually completely known that about anyone before.