no regrets but it's not f**king worth it

I don't regret talking to Amanda. Letting Shea read this. I don't regret it but it's not f*cking worth it, talking to people, trusting people, loving people.
No. I still love Matt. But he's being taken away.
They tell the counselors on Wednesday, I think. They said Monday but I won't be in town. I just broke down and cried in the middle of biology. I went to the bathroom. It's the first time I've cried in months. But I need it. I only wish someone was there, to let me cry, to hold me. No one ever is. Matt would be, if I had the courage to tell him any of this.
I don't.
I have five days left, five days of sure existance, five days of my life as it is right now, five days of school and friends and debate and cd's. And then everything will be taken away. It's horrible to know this, that you have only five days. But it does make five days infinitely precious. I want to live them so later when I'm holed up in some institution, they'll make me smile and cry at the same time, because those are the best memories.
I don't know. Cosmic balance.
Life's not worth it. Being human isn't worth it. But i refuse to hate myself any longer. I love myself and I know my potential and I know my strength and that's the only reason I know I can get through this.
Amanda's convinced she can fight for my freedom. She doesn't know my mom.
I'm going to keep writing like they don't read this. Because I need somewhere I can tell the truth. And not lie. I'm so freaking sick of lies. Lies and "legal obligations". And the way I felt that night as we drove my dad to the hospital. It felt like this. Powerless.
And it's the way it felt when they were on top of me. And it's the way it felt when my brother had oral sex with me. And it's the way it felt when my mom hit me. And it's the way it felt when I could only watch the world and not interact in it. And it's the way it felt when they took my mom away. And it's the way I felt every day of fifth grade.
And it's the way I've felt for so long that I have tried to never feel again.
Powerless. Completely, totally, fu*king powerless.