carpe diem

"Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die." It's what the fools say in the bible. It's how I've lived my weekend. I haven't done anything horrible. I did lift my ban on... relations with Matt. I believe it's possible to break a rule without breaking your morals. I didn't have sex with him. I still believe firmly in abstinence until marriage. I hope that God can see that I needed this this weekend. I don't know if I'll ever regret it or not.
But when I was kissing him, when his arms were around me, I felt safe. I felt loved. And even the French kisses, though they scared me, did not cause me to dissociate, because I was ready for them and expecting them and prepared for them, and I did enjoy them, although I'm not sure Brittany enjoyed watching them.
I'm very interested in how I look when I'm kissing someone. I asked Brittany. She said we looked like in the movies, except our mouths were open a bit wider (obviously because we were some what making out). I didn't do it for masochism, I didn't do it as some last ferocious attempt at screwing myself and my sexuality up. I did it because I needed it.
I felt like cutting a lot. Brittany, Will, and I all got out after two debates. It was frusterating, because a lot of bad people were still in. And the girl that should have won the tournament didn't. I was SO mad. I was crying. Life is never fair. I couldn't imagine how horrible she must have felt as she went home last night. I'm sure she cried herself to sleep. I think nearly anyone would. Even Brittany would, and she's convinced she's apathetic, but I'm not so convinced. I just think she has a facade of apathy. She says her parents taught her to be apathetic. That horrifies me. What if something horribly traumatic happened and suddenly her apathy couldn't contain her emotions? She'd have no one to talk to, no where to turn, no idea how to deal with it.
Anyway, every time I felt like cutting it seemed like someone appeared. I set up my emotional support system before I went: Amanda, Shea, Matt, Brittany. On Friday night after I got out I sat there listening to Pink Floyd and feeling floaty. (I felt floaty and disconnected when I was alone for the whole weekend. But somehow when people were with me I didn't feel like that). I wanted to go be alone. I knew that if I did leave the cafeteria, I'd probably hurt myself. I didn't want to. I knew that I had only a few days until the end of my life as I know it, and I wanted to still control my attitude towards my surroundings, like Frankl said, I wanted to still, for only a few days, have control over my actions and I didn't want to cut.
I don't know if I would have or not. I was feeling basically emotionally strong, so maybe I would have been able to beat the compulsion. But I was glad when Shea suddenly appeared and came and talked to me. I know she's doing what she's doing mostly for Amanda, but it must be somewhat about me too, and I appreciated what she did. All the other times I felt like cutting, Amanda or Brittany or Matt would suddenly appear out of thin air.
I felt proud of myself on the way home, being able to touch Matt, actually craving his touch, being able to kiss him. The interesting thing is that on Thursday night, after Shea and Amanda blew my world apart, I didn't allow myself to cut. I went to the school, to debate, and I told Amanda I wasn't emotionally in a safe place, and she took me to Starbucks and sat with me until I was. Here's the interesting thing: after I went home from coffee with her, I didn't feel like cutting anymore, but I really wanted Matt. I just really wanted to be in his arms, to kiss him, to know he loved me and I loved him and somehow something about the world hadn't been knocked completely off-balance by the tornado that hit my life.
I was angry, on the way home, about Hannah (the girl who should have won) getting fourth, and not qualifying for nationals, after she's won every tournament all year except state and NFL's, after she's worked so hard and it's her senior year. I admire her greatly. I can only hope to be as nice as she is. Even after her own dream was shattered as they announced her place, she shook everyone's hand. She is amazing. And she's definitely the best LD-er in the state, no doubt.
But it made me think a lot about how debate, something that should be so fair, obviously isn't. How the one place where there should be clear-cut, obvious, black and white issues there is in actuality a converging of colors and a constant question. I thought about Amanda's final round at nationals, and talked to some people about it, and how she should have won it. But in the end, there are no universal standards of wrong and right, no definitions to be absolutely sure of, so people can only do what they are personally inclined toward, like what Shea is doing.
I'm scared but I have three more days and I'm going to continue trying to live them to the fullest.