Preoccupations

My parents say I have a preoccupation with mental illness. It's not really mental illness in and of itself. It's the way people's minds work. The way the conscious builds our personalities and convictions. I have a preoccupation with discovering what makes us human.
I find it fascinating, how lives fall apart. The falling apart is never sudden, cataclysmic, or dramatic, in my opinion. It happens slowly, so slowly you don't see it, and pretty soon you are so deeply entwined in your descent into darkness that there is no way out. At least that's how my life fell apart. I never planned to end up like this.
Today I couldn't handle it. I purged. I had to. I didn't know how to fight the feeling. Someone needs to teach me. Someone needs to support me. I don't know who. I should be able to do this on my own. I used to pride myself in being able to live completely independent of any other human being. Now I'm not so sure. Now I think maybe I need to allow myself to be dependent on someone, need to allow myself to be taken care of and helped.
I feel bad, for not being strong enough to just completely quit being bulimic, but I guess it can't happen all of a sudden. My life didn't fall apart all of a sudden, and I don't think it can be fixed all of a sudden either.
I think that my sight is either incredibly myopic, or incredibly far-sighted. I concentrate solely on what I need to do on a daily or weekly basis, but I obsess over the far off future. I think I need to learn how to appreciate the present more.
I finished The Hours again. By the way, me reading that for the second time is what spurred my parents into saying again that I am preoccupied with mental illness. I guess that accusation isn't ungrounded, I read a lot of books on psychiatric disorders and such. Psychology is interesting though... it's something I want desperately to understand. I'm not sure why, except that parts of me still yearn to be able to completely label and compartmentalize all the abuse I've endured. I guess sometimes though there is no answer, no reason, but I hate to accept that.
That hate group from Kansas, the anti-homosexuals one, is here. I heard their website says "God hates fags" or something. That's so stupid, so anti-Christ-like. I don't really agree with being gay, but I'm not going to get after people that are gay, and tell them they're wrong or horrible people just because it's what I believe. And I think there's no chance that God hates homosexual people. I think he loves them just as much as the rest of us. GRR... all this hatred in the world really ticks me off.