teenagers and politics and moderates that can't make up their minds

I think that a lot of times I forget exactly who I am, and where I am. Sometimes I forget that I am a human teenager, in high school. It's easy when all that seems real or concrete or tangible to me are the things that most people view as abstract and inconsistent: trust, emotion, human behavior, philosophy, consciousness. And on the occasion (days like today, where I seem closer to reality as others view it than I usually am, and things seem more blurred as they should be and not sharp from mental illness) that I do remember where I am, what I'm doing, where I'm going, I find everything ridiculously funny. That everyone is so concerned about what they look like. I suppose I have started caring about that more since Matt came along, but not because it matters to me, but because he isn't an odd, crazy person like me who doesn't care. But he told me today he'd be willing to have sex with me. He knows of course that I will never allow that, and he respects it, but it is odd to hear that. I look at myself in the mirror and can only see ugliness. I can't figure out what he sees in me.
I've never seen kids be truly cruel, the way I know they must to some people, people like those kids that snapped at Columbine, Klebloid or something, and someone else. Sometimes I think I'm living in my own fantasy world where the edge of the earth is lined in dissections of human behavior, and the human soul, pinned neatly and labeled. Ultimately, I have grown extremely good at predicting people and understanding emotions and why they happen. But in the end, some reactions surprize even me. People are unpredictible. Life is malleable. So is reality. The only real things are math and science.
I do love history and philosophy and learning about government and economics and global issues. And I suppose it should matter more to me that there is a war going on in Iraq and such. But this is just a sort of mob psychology. I'm convinced that if you isolate all of us, there are going to be some outliers, but people generally experience the same worries and stresses and emotions.
But then again I'm an outlier too. Most teenage girls wake up an hour early to do their hair. I wake up ten minutes before I have to leave, and show up at seminary every morning looking as if I have been through a monsoon or a freak desert tornado, or sandstorm. In short, my hair tends to look like crap because I just don't care. I don't like how my legs are fat or how my butt is big or how there is some fat on my stomach. Every night before bed I do 100 crunches and 25 pushups. I suppose I'm not eating enough. It's odd that I'm so incredibly disconnected, but my weight still matters to me. But I've given up on looking pretty. I'll never understand why Matt thinks I'm beautiful, why he'd want to have sex with me.
I have SO freaking much homework. I'm sort of doing some right now, looking for stuff on telomeres, but there seem to be no recent articles/breakthroughs and it's very frusterating. It is an interesting concept, to think that some enzyme (telomerase) could hold the secret to immortality, and battling cancer. I don't think I'd want to live a human life forever though. There is too much pain and hate in the world.
I think I am a moderate on most political issues. I read the news and stuff, but for instance Matt and Shea and Amanda amaze me with how much they know about politics and the history of every country's government. Brittany is a conservative republican, and an advocate of the Iraqi War, or excuse me "Project Iraqi Freedom". In my opinion Bush screwed up. He's killing more people than he's helping.
I think I want to take a global issues class next year. I'll take debate first semester, and global issues second. I've decided not to take psychology in high school, because although it would look good on my transcript if I want to be a psychiatrist, I hear it's a waste of time. But I really want to know more about history and politics and what's going on in the world. I think I'm rather uneducated in that respect. I'm so good at English and math and science, and I know a lot about science and what's going on in the science world because I have subscriptions to science magazines and such, but I just don't know much about politics. I care, but I think I have trouble formulating opinions. Especially after debate, which has taught me to analyze both sides of the issue. In the end, I end up over-analyzing everything, seeing that both sides of an issue have disastrous consequences, and neither one really seems superior to me. So I end up as a moderate, not agreeing with anyone, hating both political parties, but with absolutely no ideas of my own on how to fix things. I just don't think it's possible to make good choices. Even pragmatically, quagmires happen.
Anyway I really need to do my homework now. I just thought I'd rant about politics and teenagers.