I got to debate today for the first time in months. OH MY GOSH it was SO freaking fun!!! I love debate so much! I think I did really well too. I was debating Brittany, it was awesome, I was doing really well. I guess I definitely beat her, but that's not what matters. What matters is it's so fun to debate a friend, to get mad and know that you're not really actually mad at each other.
So I was really organized and confident and everything. Only problem is that when you're in a hurry and have a minute to go through someone's entire case or something, saying "illegal aliens" and "immigration" becomes a tongue twister. I made up another word today too: non-undemocratic.
School's going okay. I went into Mr. Adams' today and told him I was worried about my grade, and he said I'd be fine, my essay writing skills are really good, and I would get used to the tests. I certainly hope so.
Anyway... I love debate so much! This season is going to rock.
On a other hand, I'm doing pretty well right now (besides eating disorder issues). The new anxiety meds have definitely kicked in and are working. My only current problem is my cousin. My mom and my aunt keep talking about him, my aunt is so excited to see him. I feel like I shouldn't resent that but I do. I know after the brain trauma, she doesn't see the world quite the same as she did, but I feel like she should at least be mad at him for never really caring about what he did to me. I honestly don't think she has a clue about the implications her son created in my life.
My mom keeps talking to my aunt about forgiving people that will never feel sorry for what they did to you. And it's hard. I don't know how to completely forgive him when I know he honestly doesn't care.
I keep going back and watching this home video from when I was four. It was during the time my cousin was living with us. I am standing there, covered in band-aids (four-year-olds have a weird fascination with band-aids) and my dad's asking me why I have so many band aids on and I'm saying something toddler-ish, and then I say, "I have a secret that I can never tell you." My dad says, "What?" and I say, "I can't tell you!" and then the next scene is of my brother taping my cousin in the kitchen.
I remember saying that, weirdly enough. And I know what that secret is. And on that next scene, I know that I have seen parts of that stupid curly-haired sick little kid that I never wanted to. And I think if I see him again, I will throw up. I don't know how to forgive. I don't know how to believe in the purity and goodness in a person like him.
Well, what happens happens. Now off to Huckleberry Finn...
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2 comments:
I don't think forgiveness is necessarily about *him* saying sorry ... I think it's more about *you* releasing his hold on you.
Though that's easier said than done!!! I don't think I could ever forgive somebody who abused me. I can't even forgive my dad who just verbally and emotionally abused me.
I hope you can do whatever it takes to feel safe when he's in town.
Oh, and enjoy that "leather lingerie" site. :)
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