Just a little impared

I hate how everything hits me when I get tired, emotionally exhausted. The psychosis is starting to creep in, slowly. Today I was sitting first in biology and they were talking about slaves and I just had this flash where I was like there on that ship and I saw this slave and I tried to get back to reality but I couldn't. And in chemistry I was looking across the room and I saw the air ripple. I literally saw it... these ripples in the air, and I felt for a moment some sort of infinity complex, something tearing me open and I almost screamed because I thought my chest was open and everything in the world was pouring out. And in English he was talking about grammar and I suddenly saw all the words coming out of his mouth diagrammed and labeled and I panicked because it was all so infinite, so forever, all that horrible grammer in blue dots around his head, swallowing him, swallowing anyone who talked, and I knew I couldn't talk anymore because I would be choked and drowned.
And things keep changing when I look at them... flickering into something else for a while and then flickering back... and I keep seeing these things that aren't really there. Hallucinations I guess.

This all comes from the bipolar, somehow... I have really severe bipolar, it comes with psychosis, but it hasn't happened in a while, I've been taking my pills (I have to take eight a day to keep me grounded to reality), but I'm tired, and my dog died, and I broke up with my boyfriend of eight months, and I can feel my mind breaking down, buckling, allowing these visions to creep in, these enlightenments (these discoveries... it really feels as if you have found out something important, something you have to tell the world, even if it is something you realize later is stupid, like that grammar thing, it seemed groundbreaking to me). The last really bad episode I had was three years ago, I was hearing voices then, and I'm not now, but I am seeing things, panicking, feeling the delusions, and I hate it. People make fun of people who have psychosis, but it's terrifying, really, not knowing what is real and what isn't...

And because this blog is the only place I swore I'd told the whole truth, not even a tiny bit of a lie, so I could have myself, all of me, in one place, complete, I suppose I'd better mention that at times like these the DID sets in... well I don't have DID, I have DDNOS or mid-continum, depending on which idiotic psychiatrist you ask. Anyway, the separation is starting inside of me again, the seperate voices and parts of my personality, squeezing out like parts of an amoeba, slowly defining themselves into personalities...

Oh, God, please stop it, I hate all of it... the DID, those people in my head, they saved my life, and I missed them when they went away from my last sort of episode because they weren't safe, but I feel so much more sane when I am one person, one personality, and I am not seeing things and feeling infinity tear open my chest...

I hate feeling crazy. I hate it I hate it.