Xanax helps of course. I was slightly calmer today. Actually, I guess way calmer. But I was really, really depressed. Moreso than I have been in quite a while. Everything was just so frightening and pointless. In money management we talked about jobs and getting a job, and about how work isn't fun, and 70% of Americans absolutely hate their jobs... how terrifying to hate the way you have to spend every day, to be miserable with no escape...
I will get all the education I can. I will escape that statistic. My parents did. I know I can. My brother did.
I didn't eat as much today. No matter how much I try to ignore my mother's comments, I totally agree with her. I do need to lose weight. But I do not believe I will ever be thin enough or smart enough or pretty enough for myself with the expectations I currently have. So either I will live my whole live striving for a goal I can never reach, or I will change my expectations. I'm not quite sure I'm capable of either.
I'm scared of abandonment by the only people that love me... I'm going to a play tonight with some friends. I hope that will help me rip out of this world I'm suffocating in.
I need to go run because I feel like cutting.
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