wake of grief

It's interesting, sifting through the wake of loss. Last night I got like four hours of sleep again... that crying yourself to sleep stuff is crap. It's impossible to sleep when you're crying.

I shouldn't be writing this as I am supposed to be writing my essay about how society's definition of altruism is flawed, that people are innately selfish, that the zoological definition of altruism allows for natural selfishness, that human logic and thought corrupted a natural process by deeming it "bad". It's very reminiscent of Ayn Rand... I find myself adopting some of her milder cynicism when bad things happen to me. I just don't want to offend my English teacher, who is Buddhist.

Anyway, today I sat down in the library before school, and should have been studying history or chem, but instead felt the fullness in me, and had to write, had to purge it all out... I wrote seven pages about what happened Monday morning, about the last few moments of her life. I felt a lot better after that. School is so wonderfully distracting. I find I can laugh when I am thinking of English colonization (1607?) or atomic numbers.

It's funny, thinking about loss, what it does. Everyone is so sorry... people will do anything for me right now, just because they know what happened... it's such an oppurtunity for manipulation, but everyone with an opportunity like this feels to miserable to utilize it. I keep making people look at my pictures of Zoe and Sasha... I don't care if they don't care. It's impossible for me right now to accept that the only people who really care about what happened on Monday are me and my parents.

Shauna's reaction, oddly, made the most sense to me. I told her Sasha died and she started laughing. It's really the same response as crying. I knew when she laughed that she cared more than most everyone else did. It meant a lot to me.